Thursday, 7th February, 2002

I'd better start at the beginning...

I've been dressing for years — probably from before I was ten, although I can't really remember that far back. I know we had a dressing up box at home, and that it had nighties and stuff in it.

As I got older, I started to fantasise more about being dressed as a girl, and I think it was round about the age of thirteen that I first heard the word "transvestite". It's very odd *giggle* to hear somone talking about a particular kind of person and think "so that's what I am!"

I experimented with make-up (unsuccessfuly *grin*), I tried my mothers clothes (ew *giggle*), but it wasn't until I left Belfast and went to university in England that I started developing into the girl I am today.

It's not that there was anything wrong with Belfast, it's just that I wasn't old enough or ready enough to tell anyone by that stage.



...

Although I did have a rather *ahem* 'interesting' moment which combined my first time drunk with my first time dressed in public ...

... I was at a friend's farm one night, and his parents were away, so we did what every sixteen year old kids do in that situation — two bottles of vodka and some orange juice *grin*. There was about five of us, and pretty soon one of us passed out. "Wouldn't it be funny", we thought, "if we dressed him up in Jonny's sister's school uniform", and so I was duly sent to get her clothes — except I kinda came back wearing them.

Funnily, it was never mentioned — in public or private. Maybe we were all too drunk to remember?

So, there I was in England — at a fancy dress party as a matter of fact. Well *giggle* I couldn't let an opportunity like this pass could I? And, since the theme was 'fairytales', I naturally went as Cinderella. Wouldn't everyone? *grin*

It was cool to be dressed, but I got very self-conscious about halfway through the night (funnily enough, round about midnight...) and I legged it to get changed. Someone asked me why, so I confessed all to her. It was good to tell someone at last, and she was really supportive. At least she was until we started going out, and then she tried to make me stop.

*grrrrrrrrrr*

Bad move

...

It was pretty soon after she and I broke up that I first appeared as Siobhan. I'd bought a wig in London that cost me a fortune, but wasn't great. I thought I looked good at the time, but I've been reassured that I didn't *sigh* And after I'd told a few more people, and I'd been out on campus a few more times, I started to get really comfortable and spent pretty much all of my free time dressed.

A couple of people thought that I was maybe over compensating for my relationship breaking down — who knows? Maybe they were right? *shrug*

...

To be honest, at the time, things went a bit weird. I treated Siobhan and Graham as two completely separate people. There were a couple of times that one did something that the other couldn't remember — but that *giggle* was usually due to alcohol.



...

After I left uni though, I kinda stopped the out-in-public stuff. I don't live in a particularly open-minded town, and I figured that it would get a bit weird at work if everyone knew. I told a couple of people at work, and all my friends knew, but I kept my dressing for home — with the doors locked.

Also, I'd lost my wig (although I think it may still be in the loft), so I wasn't doing anything other than wearing dresses around the house. No make-up.

...

Actually, I still do this. There's a part of my transvestisism that involves Graham in a dress. To be honest, that's the sexual side, but I'll come back to that *blush*

...

But just at the end of January, things changed. I'd been 'not-me' for about 6 years, and I'd been promising myself (since about the age of thirteen) that one day I would go to Transformations in London. So when the opportunity came, I plucked up the courage, got the Tube to Euston, and went to the shop.

The women in there were lovely — they helped me choose a wig, and boobs, and hips and bum. Then they helped me dress and did my make-up. Even so though, as they were doing my face, I could still see a bloke in the mirror. But then they put the wig on ...

I can't explain the emotions that I felt when I looked in the mirror. It was like I was looking at someone else. Suddenly, the girl I had wanted to be was looking back at me with a big grin on her face.

There's a lounge in the shop where you can go and relax and watch the telly — but all I did was stand in front of the mirror staring at myself. And playing with my boobs *giggle*

...

Since then I've changed a lot. Before, dressing was something I did in private, something I got a sexual buzz out of. Now, it's different. Now that I've found myself, it's much more than that. I've come out to a lot more people — people I normally wouldn't have. And I've suddenly got an insatiable desire to go out.