Sunday, 25th July, 2004

Sat at my G5 with a brandy — and to be perfectly honest with you, I bloody need it.

First things first — where Katie and I have just been (actually, she's still there) is stunningly gorgeous. I really wish I'd not been at work this coming week so I could have spent more time with her there. It's so beautiful, I can see why she's been so excited about going there for ages.

Isn't it gorgeous? A wonderful, secluded little paradise in Scotland. We were in Glasgow the night before last, then we went up yesterday morning.

Now, Katie's been warning me of the road to the place for ages, telling me horror stories about how bad it is. Apparently, the last 6 miles takes an hour it's so bad. Well, me being me, I couldn't possibly let a silly little thing like a few potholes get me down, and plus, when I was younger, I used to burn rubber round all sorts of country lanes in Ireland. I know, for example, that the best way to drive down a country track with grass and a hump down the middle is to put one side of your wheels firmly in the middle, so that you don't scrape your exhaust on the bumps...

What's the phrase? "Famous last words"?

God, we were so close and all. About 100 yards from the end, when I misjudged a pothole and there was an almighty crunch...

...followed by the unmistakable sound of exhaust fumes decideing that they don't want to go down the silencer

Look what happened:

Now, looking closely at that, I've come to the conclusion that the thing was rusted through already, and that the bump was just the final straw. But whatever, I had a very unhealthy sounding car

I tried to put it out of my mind though, and enjoy the time we had together. We went walking, Katie fell in a stream, I got drunk () — it was all fab And then this morning I set about trying to do something about my exhaust.

Now, had I been at home, I would have trotted off to the shops, bought Things™ and fixed it. But we were in the middle of nowhere, and so I had to make do with what was around us. Luckily, I found some Jubilee Clips, some wire, string, and (whoo hoo!) some lead. The Jubilee Clips weren't big enough, so I cobbled four together to make two big ones, wrapped the lead round the hole and:

Ta dah!

Gorgeous eh? OK, so the string was a bit of a last-resort, just in case things went wrong. Bt what could go wrong eh?

tra la la Off I trundled, back up the nasty road. There were one or two moments of eeeek! but I got through it OK. All lovely. Exhaust intact.

The nest photos are just to show how beautiful it was...

aw Sheep in the road! (Actually, there were a lot more than I tought would be good. Tons of them. Eating grass

And just look at those mountains! Seriously, stunningly beautiful (and yeah, slap my bum for taking photos while driving — but it was gorgeous!)

So, there I am, tearing through the beautiful countryside, all pleased with myself, when suddenly, there was a Bad Noise™ from the car.

D'ya know what I'd forgotten? Let me give you a clue: What happens to lead when it gets very hot? The sort of hot that exhausts get?

It fucking melts!

Seriously melts in fact

I wasn't even a third of the way home, and already my beautiful handiwork had dripped off the car in molten lead dollups I can't believe I forgot that it would melt — I mean, I work in printing: What did they used to use for typesetting because it melted easily?!

The car was noisy, but I figured "Fuck it" shrug There was nothing I could do, and even though it was very embarassing to have a car that sounded like I'd modded it to have a beefy engine, what was really important was that I got home — before the shops shut, so I could buy some wine.

Crossing the border between England and Scotland though, the car made a terrible noise, so I pulled off the motorway, got underneath and had a look ... the bloody exhaust was about to fall off

I couldn't think what to do, except put some more lead on, and strap it up with the wire that I'd saved. I though maybe that it would be OK if I kept stopping at the Services ... but I was wrong.

Incidently, the sunset was absolutely beautiful Very naughtily, I tried to take a shot of what I could see in my mirror:

But then I realised that I could just point the camera over my shoulder and take a picture that way:

Stunning eh?

So, sure enough, about 20 miles down the road the lead failed again. I was at some services, so I went and bought a can of Red Bull, a can of Coke, and a knife...

I figured that aluminium would be better than lead, so I cut the cans open, stuck them over the hole and secured them with the clips. The I moved the wire to a better position, just in case...

Worked like a treat If only I'd done that before I set off It's making a bit more noise than it should — but at least I'm home in one piece I'll have to get it fixed properly, but I was going to get a new exhaust anyway, so it's no big deal.

I'd just like to take this opportunity to crown myself the Princess of Bodgers — how many other cars do you know are held together with a Coke can?

Sally UK writes:

My last one!! But well done you — I wouldn't have remembered about the lead either but the can trick is a useful one And yes the scenery is absolutely stunning — ask me to bore you with my pics of Chamonix one day g

ET writes:

Lead? Where do you find lead?... Anyway, If you're still infatiated with Katie in two years I'm sooo envious.....

And happy birthday to the ET.

And my cat is back from death's door....Sub Q fluids are the best!

Geena writes:

HAH! A Trannie's Guide to Auto Repairs!