Wednesday, 3rd November, 2004

Researched-Based Virtual Outings

la la lah I would appear to be on a train.

So, um, I've been slightly rambling recently about a Big Dilemma™ going on at the moment (not very lucidly to be honest — I can't seem to quite get the point across whenever I try to explain), so I thought I'd try and outline it in more detail here. Which after all, is the whole point of my diary I guess — to get thoughts out of my head and online.

As I've mentioned numerous times, I'm a lecturer at a University, and I teach Art. Now, the Uni that I work at isn't too high up in the old Research league-tables, so whenever someone mutters about an idea for a project all the research bods jump up and down in excitement...

(The more research that goes on, the more money gets granted to an institution, and therefore more research can go on [repeat to fade])

...now, I've not been to active on this front despite having been working there for four years. (Whoo, scarey — four years!) Up until now, all I've done is initiate a bit of a study into the validity of abstract digital photography — which really isn't going anywhere on its own.

What I've been thinking about for ages though, is to initiate some kind of research into the idea of virtual representation (I'll explain more in a second) — but after a conversation with one of my colleagues last week, it became clear that doing this could have quite big ramifications.

...

The thing is you see, I've long found it annoying when New Media artists and technology people in general talk about the internet as being a "virtual space" — one in which it's possible to emulate an 'actual space'. You often hear suggestions made that doing something online is "as good as being there" — and I've always felt that no, it's not. It's not as good as being there, it's a totally different thing entirely.

I guess it ties in with my irkiness about digital media and CGI in general trying to emulate the language of film-based photography. I always think it sets its sights too low — it shouldn't be aiming for an equal par with film, it should develop its own language and outcomes.

(A rant for another day there I think )

So what I've become quite keen in pursuing is an investigation into what it actually means to have an online self — what goes on when we communicate over the net? What are the characteristics of online representation? How do our selves manifest themselves online?

Can you see where this is going yet?

One of the ways I want to investigate this, is to look closely at unconventional online representations, to study mailing lists and homepages and stuff — to try and get an idea about how we as real-life people change when we become onlin people. If only I knew someone who had some kind of online 'journal' where they adopt a different persona to their real-life one...

...

It occured to me, while I was talking it through with my colleague, that considering I have a pre-made body of work, that spans three years of my life, I'd be a fool to not use my diary as a starting point. I mean, I've got this huge resource at my fingertips already — I've spent ages developing a particular character, way of writing, way of communicating, and I'd be daft not to use it.

But, (and this is where the dilemma begins) if I use this diary, then I'm effectively outing myself on a much bigger scale than previously.

And to be honest, I've been in a bit of a flap ever since I realised this. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know that in the past, I've ranted on and on about how we should all be proud of what we are, and how we should stand up and be counted — but that's all hypothetical. Suddenly, when faced with the reality of actually doing it, I'm not sure I'm strong enough.

I should explain this a bit more I think ... Research done at Uni needs to have some kind of outcome — whether it's writing in a journal, or (in the case of Art) some kind of project/practice based outcome. Whatever the outcome is, it gets disseminated around the research community, which consists of all the other academics in a particular field.

The thing is though, because I'm an artist and because I'm also a transvestite, there's a chance that it will get picked up by someone and spread outside of that community. And if it gets outside the community then there's the chance that people I don't want to know that I'm a trannie will find out.

...

Internally, ie within the University, I'm not particularly worried about people knowing. I've always said that I would never want my students to know, but that's mainly because I've been misjudging them (I think) and not giving them the benefit of the doubt when it comes to questioning their ability to accept things. I doubt I would have to make a big deal out of it — it would just be another thing which indicates where I'm coming from when I talk to them about their work.

I also think that (a) I am strong enough to be Out at work, and (b) the environment that I work in is condusive to personal expression. If I worked in something un-academic, soething more butch, I might have a problem — but let's face it, I'm an Art Lecturer — there's got to be something a little odd about me to start with

...

Doing this — going public with my diary that is — would also give me the chance to get a bit more vociferous about things I believe in. My latent militancy is screaming at me at the moment to stick my hand up in the air and get involved in some of the things and ideas that are going on at the moment

[pause to take picture of abandoned house ... and fail miserably]

Sorry, as I was saying, there's something in me at the moment that really wants to be more publically vocal about things — to do something positive rather than just whinging about "no-one understands us..."

...

What I'm afraid of though, is that my parents will find out.

Really, despite there being one or two other people that I'd rather not know (like one or two of the people who live near me) my mother and father are the only two people I'd have a serious problem with knowing that I'm a transvestite. I don't want to go into it in too much detail here, but it basically involves religion.

So basically, to try and sum up my vague ramblings: (1) Siobhan does research into her online personality, (2) Siobhan's work gets published, (3) Siobhan finds herself Outed At Large™, (4) Siobhan's parents find out, (5) Siobhan becomes major disappointment within family.

It's a tough one for me — I'm not sure what I'm going to do

...

Something that occured to me last night though — the whole 'online trannie' thing happened by chance. Before I did this website, I had a large online presence already, in my boy-self. I was moderator of a rather large mailing list, I had several websites already. I've been online since the late 80s, and all Siobhan's stuff is a very late addition to it.

The interesting thing though, at least to me anyway , is that if you compare my boy-writing from ten years ago to how I write today, there's not too many dissimilarities. OK, so some of the textual embellishments have changed (I don't think I ever wrote "yay!" until Siobhan emerged) — but on the whole I imagine it would still be recognisable as having been written by me.

Initially I started this diary to record all the times I had trannie experiences — which is why the start of it is quite patchy (that and the difficulty of updating it before I wrote the code), but after I turned it into a database-driven blog, and I started writing a lot more frequently (and after I stopped limiting myself to just writing about dresses, going out and stuff like that, and started including general rambling chit-chat), that's when my online 'self' (as it were) emerged.

I could have quite easily started blogging as a boy, on my boy-site, and if I had then I perhaps wouldn't have this dilemma now. But I didn't — I started a as girl and I guess I'll just have to go with it.

...

What interests me though, is how my online and real-life versions of myself feed off each other. How the way I am in a 'virtual space' affects my mannerisms and feelings in real life.

(I hate the term "virtual" by the way — I should probably try not to use it. It makes the online space inherently inferior to real-life, as if it's only almost real....

Wow, I've just seen sheep in a field wearing suspenders. Odd

...sorry. Um, yeah — another example of the online emulating the 'real'. Online isn't virtually real — it's just differently real)

...

Another thing I find interesting, is how real my online self is — how precious it is to me. I often find myself wondering "How would Siobhan react to that?" when faced with real-world situations.

...which kinda leads me to the Big Focus™ of part of what this reasearch is all about — what is Siobhan? Yes, I'm a transvestite, and yes Siobhan is the name I happened to choose for myself — but the person who now exists in an online world (as opposed to just me wearing a dress) is much more of a construction than those two things. I, (the online me) am a product of the last three years of online discussion. The way I respond and write about things is a mixture of my real-self (must find a better word for that) and the communication I've had with people mainly over the past three years, but also before that.

Some things I guess, are quite affected. I noticed the other day that at the start of my diary, I say "giggle" a lot — which is quite a revoltingly crass way of trying to affect a feminine style of writing. (It's also so awfully non-PC that it makes me cringe when I read it.) I suppose you could see it as an attempt to find a particular style — which gradually disappears as I start to realise that I should just go with the way I talk normally.

Other things though — like my (apparently) irritating demands for attention, are the product of the person I am, just repackaged in an online form. A lot of the ways that I write and talk online are a result of me responding to the medium — its textual nature in particular

[note to self: Interesting thing to investigate — are the pictures I take (or at least the ones I post online) chosen because they reflect my internal ideas of what Siobhan should look like based on the way I write?]

So what I'm kinda getting at is that Siobhan = Me + The Internet. My online repesentation of me is intrinsically linked to the actual person I am.

Kinda.

Maybe.

...

Ack well, it's a start. Oh, and by the way, I do know what I'm going to do about 'the dilemma' — of course I'm going to Come Out in a much more public way than before. I'm just nervous, and I think I'm going to need a lot of support when it happens.

...

pfft this train is going very slowly Although it's possible that it went too fast earlier, and is now trying to compensate...

Today is going to be a bit of a nightmare to be honest. SOme of our students are doing a presentation to an Arts committee this week about some projects they want funding for. And naturally enough, they'll nee some presentational material. And who is the one person in the department that's good at that...?

No idea what time I'll be finished tonight. Which is a bit poo as I found out last night that it's the LGB[t] night at my local nightclub — and I'd quite like to go.

Katie suggested last night that we popped down for an hour or so — but then again seeing as it takes me so bloody long to get ready and because it's quite a Big Deal™ for me, going down for just an hour is a bit, well, crap really.

Then again, I don't actually have to go as a girl We could pop down for a little bit without me dressed up I suppose.

...

This bloody train has been sat at Hellifield for ten minutes now — I think there's something wrong. Why couldn't we have got stuck somewhere more interesting?!

pfft

D'ya know what's going to happen? I'm going to run out of battery pretty soon. I forgot to charge Emer up last night and I'm running on the spare battery right now. I don't think I'll last to Leeds

(BTW the train just moved. 5 feet. pah)

...

9.52am: Made it. Now the chaos begins...

beth writes:

I suppose the issue of parents finding out is in two parts intself. Them finding out, and then everyone they know with finding out. I've been informed my entire family knows I spent as much time in dresses as I do makijng them, but would rather the subject is never ever brought up. But religion is often tied in with comunity, and I think that's a whole other thing to add to your burden (sorry HUG). Have you talked to other members of your family about this?

Sally UK writes:

Blimey, we all seem to be outing ourselves at large here. I fessed up to my daughters best friend (thus saving arguments re my dressing and her friend coming here), I also told another friend and I'm just 'girding my loins' in order to tell my very best friend who really needs to know. OUCH!! All this week!

Whatever the outcome honey you've got my support

As a matter of interest everyone that I've told has either paid it a whole heap of no attention, said I'm not in the least bit surprised, or been very accepting of the whole deal. Perhaps I only tell people that subconsciously I realise will be accepting. Whenever they see my pics though I almost always get asked if I intend to "Go all the way"!

My daughter paid for my ears to be pierced for my birthday last week yay a diamante stud in each ear — I guess that makes a loud statement!

Hugs honey

beth writes:

Addintional thought. I think it says heaps about you as a person that you're more cncerned with them being disapointed and hurt than really being angry at you

Edwina writes:

A PhD in transvestism! Go for it!

Mikee writes:

Wow!! Has a day gone by without a comment from pathedone or whatever her name is!!!!

Jane writes:

Sounds like interesting research. However because you are a tv then that might make it too sensational.What i mean is that the whole idea of a virtual existence is great research in itself, if you bring in the tv part then that may distract from the main research. You might end up outing yourself to the whole world and the tv bit will be the story not virtual existence. On top of that I assume most friend/family of TVs at best accept but dont really want to see their son all over the world in a dress. Hope it doesnt sound too negative. I m speaking as a closeted tv whose only existence is here i.e. on the net. I didnt even have a girl name until i needed it for email chat rooms . Best of luck whatever you decide Jane