Monday, 3rd January, 2005

Your Mileage May Vary

Kathie and I were up late last night. She'd cooked me a fab meal and we'd watched a film cuddled up together on her sofa, but afterwards we got into a long discussion about 'coming out'

(This is of course, following on from yesterday)

See, I'm in a pretty unique position when it comes to coming out to people. In 1990, I upped sticks and hauled my ass over to England from Northern Ireland, pretty much severing all ties I have over there in the process. I don't really keep in touch with any friends from school (it's been 5 years since I spoke to anyone from there) and I kinda made a fresh start the day I started at university.

While I was at university, I hung around with quite left-wing (in as much as any of us Thatcher's Children can be left-wing) thinking people — the hacks and the Students' Union bods — and so, the social circles I mulled around in weren't likely to be condemming of a transvestite.

(Except for a couple of run-ins with some feminists — which opened my eyes to a few things, and I hope to them too)

So yeah, here I am 15 years later, and not one of my friends is unsupportive (in fact, they're all fab ) And since Kath was a friend of mine before we got together, she knew all about Siobhan. So coming out wasn't an issue.

But, as she pointed out last night, there's a lot more to being a trannie than just wearing dresses.

I am, when all's said and done, a very demanding person. I stick pictures of myself up online, but what no-one ever sees (apart from Kath) is the long process of deciding which look good — and the constant demands I make on her to flatter me.

I need to explain that more I think Say I spend a couple of hours getting dressed, taking pictures — I then spend at least the same amount of time trying to get her to tell me which ones are good — and I know it infuriates her.

Transvestism, for me, is a very selfish pastime. And I hope she won't mind me telling this story to illustrate:

A couple of months ago, I spent a whole day down at Pauline's. It was such a lovely day, full of dresses, makeup, photographs, wine... and by the time Kath came to pick me up, I was pretty sozzled, and was on a high after having spent the whole day being pampered.

Kath, on the other hand, had had a shit day at work

So while she was in the space of needing hugs and sympathy and relaxing things, I was in a 'give me attention!' frame of mind

Not good

What I'm trying to get at here, is that the fundamental core of transvestism — the "I'm a bloke who wears dresses" is only the start of coming out. What I think is important is that it's not just a moment of truth-telling, it's the start of a long process that never ends.

You know how when you meet someone for the first time, you form an opinion of them straight off, then over the course of months and years, things happen and you develop a friendship with them? Well, I guess coming out is a bit like that. For want of a better analogy, it's a bit like introducing a new person to your partner — you can't just expect things to go all swimmingly from the word go.

...

I suppose it's also important to think about what you want out of coming out. I think sometimes that the reactions of partners are pigeonholed wrongly into one of two groups: supportive and unsupportive. If a partner doesn't live up to the expectations of the person coming out, then they're 'unsupportive', and if they do, then they're 'supportive'

But where do those expectations come from?

I think a lot of us spend a lot of time in another world to our friends and family — and we want them to be able to share in the world we've found. But it's not a world they're familiar with, yet.

I know that when Kath first saw me dressed (lovely story about that: she came up to me with a surprised look on her face and said "I really fancy you" — I should ave taken that as a sign...) she had no idea that I had this entire online world that I inhabited. In fact, it wasn't until after a few months that she really got to grips with the idea that I live part of my life through a computer screen. She still despairs at me sometimes — especially the times I sit here staring at the logfile scrolling up, waiting for someone to leave a comment.

(Hint hint)

Now, I'd love her to come out to every trannie-event that I wawnt to go to. It was great fun when the pair of us went out with Natalie last February for our coincidental-brithday-celebration. It was great to bring two bits of my life together — partly because I wanted to show Kathie my world, and partly because I wanted to show off Kathie to my world

But I can't expect her to want to come out with me all the time — especially not seeing as when I go out, I turn into Little Miss Attention Seeker

...

I think, what I'm trying to ramblesay here is that even though you might be able to judge how a partner or a family member will react to coming out, it's impossible to tell how the long-term outcome of that revelation will evolve. And also, that over the course of the years ahead, sometimes it will be great, sometimes it'll suck.

But the most important thing, I guess, is that it's like opening Pandora's Box — once that bit of information is out there, it can't be put back in. So sharing it is something to think long and hard about.

...

Ooh, and as well... Sometimes is there any need to come out?

I have no intention whatsoever of coming out to my parents. For two reasons I guess: (1) They wouldn't like it, and (2) I'd have absolutely nothing to gain from teling them. It's not like I've any desire to spend any time at home wearing a dress. So why should I tell them?

YMMV

...

This is turning into a ramble — and losing focus. I'll go away and start tidying my house I think

I have no idea whether or not people should come out to their partners, so don't take this as a call to action. Honestly. I just know I've been really lucky in finding a group of people to call my friends, and a partner to love, that don't have a problem with me wearing a skirt sometimes

Kath Adams writes:

Excellent ramble, I know what you mean (I think!) If I didn't have to be at work in seven hours time, I'd read more... Haven't even got around to looking at the photos and stuff, better bookmark!

kath_adams@yahoo.co.uk

Josephine writes:

you have a good perspective, i think so probably because i agree with you. i liked the way you dealt with coming out to your parents, if there is nothing for either of you to gain why do it? i meet a lot unhappy of girls who think that is is required to tell everybody, and that keeps them unhappy. i'll recommend your "ramble" it may help some of them to see another point of view.