Friday, 11th February, 2005

Self Indulgence, Trannie-style

"Hey Siobhan, you're rather quiet today..."

Why yes, sorry for that. But I've been indulging myself in that well-known trannie pastime: "Dressing up and taking pictures of yourself"

It's a lot of fun, trust me

The odd thing is though, on the face of it, it's not a particularly natural thing for a person to do. If you strip out all the tranniness then it boils down to someone disguising themselves, taking photographs (hundreds of photographs BTW), then putting them in a place where the whole world can see them.

Does that not strike you as odd? Or at the least, a bit narcissistic?

I've always done this though — ever since I first became comfortable with the way I look dragged up. I remember a flurry of photosessions for the first two months after I'd come back from that trip to London — almost every night was taken up with shaving, make up, and the ten-second-shuffle of hitting the shutter and waiting until the timer kicked in.

Of course, the down-side of taking self-portraits is that you don't get to see them until you whack them on your camera, but I digress

I used to think that the reaeson I did this, was some kind of substitute for there not being anyone around to see me dolled-up. In a way, the internet became my critic (although, admittedly, in my online social circles people are very unlikely to be critical — even when you look like shit )

But I'm not so sure these days.

I've talked about this little 'quest' of mine to take the perfect picture, but I'm not sure it's even that. I think there's some kind of web-site fuelled obsession about taking pictures.

Today is a case-in-point. About 2 hours ago, I wasn't in the mood to do this at all. I was feeling grumpy, tired and not very pretty at all. I mean, the last thing I wanted to do was go through the rigmoroles of shaving, washing my hair, drying it, styling it, putting on make-up then faffing around for a couple of hours with the camera, on the off chance I might get a decent one.

Now though, I've got about 250 photos littering my desktop, and I'm trying to go through them all and pick out the best ones.

Normally, I Photoshop them heavily But I thought I'd show one without any tweaking

I'll come back to this later — Kathie and I were having an interesting discussion the other night about photographs, and I wanted to share it. But I have lots and lots of photos to sift through right now...

...so yeah, I've picked a few and stuck them on FLickr. I'll pop them on siobhansplace in a wee while.

But the thing is right, as I was saying, Kath and I were having a chat about photos the other week.

I used to have a gallery on siobhansplace called "schoolgirl" which, basicaly, funnily enough, had pictures of me dressed as a schoolgirl in it.

Now, I'd never really thought about it that much. I mean, almost every other trannie online has photos of them in school uniform on their sites, but talking it through with Kath made me stop and think for a bit.

Why did I have those pictures there?

It's not like there was anything overtly sexual about them — apart from the rather clichéd outfit. And equally, they weren't actually the best photos of me ever either. But, I dunno, I'm not entirely sure why I put them up.

On the face of it, schoolgirl photos shouldn't really be sexy should they? The fetishisation of young women isn't really something to be proud about is it?

I suppose, from a trannie point of view at least, there's something in the slightly fetishy demeaning aspect of them that I think might be the attraction. Comparable, perhaps, to wearing maids' outfits

This 'demeaning' aspect of transvestism is something I'm not at all comfortable with — the idea that one of the reasons we do this is to gain some sexual gratification out of a slightly masochistic behaviour makes me feel uneasy. Particularly as it's at the expense of women.

I'm always slightly surprised by the assertion in some circles that transvestites aren't in the least bit offensive to women, in that imitation is the best form of flattery. It smacks of an afterthought if you ask me.

I've worried about this for years — ever since I had my first ever confrontational argument with a woman about the whole subject. I'm worried that we do this because we subconsciously see women as weaker — and therefore any sexual buzz we get out of it is based on blatant sexism.

On the other hand though, I can't help but feel deep down that there's more to it than that. It can't just be about sexual fetishes — otherwise why am I sat here in a little skirt and blouse typing away and not feeling remotely turned on?

The other thing, though, going back to the schoolgirl photos, is why did I decide to share them? Is it wrong of me to stick stuff online in the hope that people will find it sexy?

(incidently, I put them up long before Kath and I started going out)

I've been trying to explain to Kath why I do this — and I'm finding that it's all too complicated. I have to admit, I just don't know eactly why.

Or at least, perhaps I do, but I'm just a little scared to admit to myself that I do it purely for exhibtionist reasons, or in some kind of desperate plea for flattery?

...

Incidently, I should point out that in a way, I'm building myself up to writing about Grayson Perry's documentary next Wednesday night. There are some key issues that I'm hoping the documentary is going to raise — in particular, that of the language we use within and without our community.

I saw the trailer for it last night, and it worried me I know that some of my friends have seen it, so I probably should keep my gob shut until after I have though.

It's not come out exactly the way I want — I should maybe plan things out before I start writing

...

Note to self: Wonder if anyone will have noticed I increased the size of the column to 500px so I can use my photostream here? Maybe if I stick one of them up they will...

la la la

Well, you know Geena, buy me something off my wishlist for my birthday, and I might just (I'm kidding )

In all seriousness though, I do want to go to see Pauline again sometime soon — preferably with the 'creation' that Beth is making me. But just at the moment, I can't afford it

Ginny, you realise you sound like a guy just trying to get off on pictures of a chick with a dick, yeah?

Honey, www.siobhansplace.co.uk/index2.php?action=photographs There's about 280 pictures of me there. And what the hell is a "fmp"?