Hello 
I'm Siobhan Curran/Kisa Naumova, and this is my weblog. I tend to write about stuff like crossdressing, Macs, code, cats, wine and Second Life, but in general it's just an ongoing conversation about all sorts of stuff. If you'd like to know a little bit more about what this all is, I recommend starting on this page which has a little bit of info on who I am, and what I'm trying to do — or you could dive into my five years worth of archives if you like.
Otherwise, feel free to close this box and explore...
Testing Some Photo Code
(via si08han) 
Yesterday, while I was walking home from the doctors, I noticed that all the crevices in the wall along my road were absolutely full of snails. Baby ones at that
The strange thing is, that they are (of course) absolutely yukky and horrible, what with them being snails and all, but at the same time, there's something rather beautiful about them
...Hey! It worked! 
Sorry, I've been faffing all day with this thing I've been talking about for ages — my little idea of using Flickr to stuff things into my blog automagically.
It needs some work — the style is a bit rough for a start — and I don't like the title much...
...but it's a start no? 
Rachel
At some point, I'll make the source code for all this avaiable. But not until I've got this working properly OK?
The thing is though, here's me feeling all smug and clever with myself, but really, all I've done is reqork the already existing 'blog this' thing in Flickr so that it works here, what we me having a home-brew weblog.
I was thinking initially that I was being all innovative and what-have-you, but I guess not.
What happened yesterday
It started off yesterday morning, I was all set for going to Leeds — my bag was packed from the night before, I had all clean clothes, I'd actually managed this week to do and remember all the things I said I would and had a clutch of DVDs ready to give to people. I'd even managed to wake up before Sarah Kennedy on Radio 2, get three cups of coffee down my neck and have a wash and everything.
I got everything together, went outside, scraped the ice off the car, and set off.
Now, I don't really want to go into what happened next — not in too much detail anyway. Basically, something happened that stopped me going to work, something that I'd spent a lot of time on Monday sorting out, something I thought I'd managed to fix, something that I quite clearly hadn't.
Next thing I knew, I was back at home, on the phone to Kath, about to burst into tears.
Now, really, I should give a little bit more history to this. I try to write in a very particular way, and so it might not come across in anything that's here over the past few months, but I've not really been myself lately. I like to define myself as being rather energetically fun — but (and people have noticed — my colleagues and Kath for a start) I've been a lot more distant and introspective since, well, October really.
It's felt, sometimes, that everything I do turns to shit — an inverse-midas-touch if you like — and that, well, frankly, everything sucks.
And after I got off the phone to Kath, and contemplated just how I was going to explain to someone in Leeds that I wasn't coming over that day, I started to panic.
It sounds stupid doesn't it? Panicing about ringing work to tell them you're not coming in. And maybe it was, but it didn't feel like that — it felt it was the hardest thing in the world to do. And then all the other things followed it.
It didn't come as a rush — rather a trickle of feelings. Each time I thought of something, there seemed to be a whole well of reasons why I couldn't do them. I could feel myself struggling to breathe, I started pacing up and down the stairs muttering "what am I going to do?".
At one point, I can remember lying on the kitchen floor in floods of tears, unable to breathe, staring at my house around me, not quite knowing who I was, or what was going to happen.
I felt completely powerless, and very very scared.
This all lasted for about 15 minutes I think. Part of the time I was downstairs, part of the time I was sat at my desk, staring at the phone. It was like every single thing that I've been worrying about for the past six months came rushing back at once.
Eventually, I started to pull myself together a bit. Weeks ago, Kathie had urged me to go see a doctor about the way I was feeling, and it suddenly seemed the right thing to do.
So later that afternoon, I found myself trying to explain all this to the replacement doctor, seeing as mine is on holiday.
I should have done this months ago really — in fact, I should have done this years ago. To be honest with you, this isn't the first time this has happened — there's been several times during my life that things have got this bad. Once, it happened while I was studying in Leeds, and I got through it with the help of the university counselling service. The last time it happened (although admittedly, not as badly) was just before my life changed completely about 3 years ago when I stopped being so closeted about Siobhan.
The doctor was great. He talked about things like "chemical imbalances in the brain" and gave me a bunch of things to read. And then he gave me a prescription.
So basically, the thing that happened yesterday was that I got put on antidepressants.
...
I'm not sure how I feel about it at the moment. I spoke to a friend last night whose advice was to see them as the first step of the ladder to get me out of the way I'm feeling — and I know she's right. It's just it's an odd thing to think about yourself, that you're on pills because your head's not working right.
I called round later on to drop a job off with another friend, and they were watching telly. I must have been a bit on edge for whatever reason, because they told me to "take a chill pill"
"I already have", I thought.
Hi Siobhan, I hope you're feeling better soon. I know what it can be like. I expect the doc told you antidepressants can take up to about 4 weeks to work, so just know you'll feel more your old self soon though I know you feel bad right now. You'll feel your mood lifting when the sun shines more as well because S.A.D often makes thing feel a lot worse, and we're summer people really aren't we.
Susan
Susan 2
So sorry to hear of your plight! I have been on anti-depressents for over 5 years and they are wonderful! The thing is.... it may take a while to work as Susan 2 says above. Also, you may get various reactions, so expect to get your dosages changed, adjusted, etc. as well. It took me about three months to come up with something that was just right... not only the type but the amount. Anyway, hang in there!
By the way..... one of the possible side effects, is a reduction in your libido! 
Geena
I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. If a relative outsider, though here in Lancaster, can help at all, don't hesitate to get in contact. Needless to say, nothing would be passed on to mutual acquaintances.
You may already know that I was on antidepressants for several years; for a while I wasn't really functional. It took some major life changes, but I'm off the pills now (though I still get depressed occasionally, as my blog might indicate!). Point is, whilst I needed pills, they were as necessary as a plaster cast around a broken limb, and about as 'shameful' i.e. not remotely. Your announcement seemed to imply you're seeing this as something momentous, possibly in a negative way, but there's no embarrassment or weakness in facing a problem. It's a crisis point, but certainly no 'failure'.
This is bound to be a turbulent time. As others have said, the medication take a while to kick in, the doctor's first choice mightn't be the optimum anti-depressant for you, and there may be a need to tweak dosages, etc., but whatever you do, stick with it. If you need to make major life decisions, wait until rationality and perspective return (they will!) — this isn't the time.
It's just it's an odd thing to think about yourself, that you're on pills because your head's not working right.
It's no different to taking Nurofen because you have a headache, or a daily aspirin to reduce the risk of a heart attack. And it's much better than self-medication with a depressant (alcohol), which is the route a lot of people with depression take.
NRT's right: now isn't the time to make big changes, and you may have to tweak what you take or try different dosages. But you are taking a big step forward.
Mhairi
Guys, thanks.
As you know, I was swithering whether or not to write about this. I figured that it was important for me at least to record that it happened, and maybe it might give a little bit more of an idea of who I am as a person. Perhaps.
What I don't want to do is make a big thing out of it. I realise that it's not something that's uncommon, nor is it something to be ashamed about. I think part of the reason I was making it sound "monumentous" was that for the past three years, I thought I'd got this thing beaten.
But then again, maybe trying to 'beat' it on my own was just my male machismo trying to peek through.
I do know that it's going to take some time to kick in, I may be an impatient bugger at the best of times (God, wouldn't it be great if they worked as quickly as Neurofen eh?), but I'm not unrealistic 
...
Just a quick observation though, I was reading through the leaflet in the packet (I'm on Fluoxetine BTW — which sounds like it should be marketed with the tagline "Feel happy and have strong teeth!") and it occured to me that all the things on the list of side effects were exactly the symptoms that I've been experiencing.
And I thought, "how on earth can that be good?" 
Isn't it a bit like the leaflet in Nurofen reading "Warning: May cause headaches"?
...
Like I said, I don't want to make a meal about it. I just wanted to say that that's where my head is at at the moment. And it is getting better. I know the antidepressants won't be working just yet, but having taken that step, I felt just that little bit stronger and managed to do one or two things to improve things around here.
So, again, thankyou — it's funny how just seeing a bunch of unread messages in my email from Erin (she's the server — she emails me when new comments are left) can make me feel a whole lot better about myself. And then reading the comments themselves can make me feel even better.
This internet thing eh? Weird isn't it?
I hope it goes well Siobhan. I'm very close to a person who suffers from clinical depression and it's no walk in the park.
I also hate to sound a note of caution, but watch those side effects closely as they can be very bad. Any hint of them, you should go back to the Doc. I'm sure the doctor warned you about this.
Lots of love xxx
Steady on, keep doing all these nifty little things and you'll soon have nothing else to tinker, but just as long as you keep giving us the techno nitty-gritty we'll forgive you,