Friday, 10th June, 2005

It's All About Dialogue

tranny rant

Oh boy, nothing like the opinions of a real woman to get the handbags of trannies rattling.

Over the pat few days, I've noticed a bit of a flood of emails in my Angels inbox — the usual chit-chat and "Where can I buy a wig?" kinda thing, but peppered throughout is a bit of an stirred-up argument about My Husband Betty.

I first came across the book in New York about a year and a half ago, and I must confess, that I haven't read the thing the whole way through (me and books don't really agree). I got through the first few chapters, and the last few chapters, on the plane home. Then I lent it to Kath, and I haven't read it again.

So, I can't really comment on some of the more intricate arguments of the thread, in particular the overly verbose (and quite frankly patronising) review by Katherine Walker-Parr, but I'm going to plant my feet in Claudia's camp on this one.

You see, you can pick as many holes as you like in Helen Boyd's methodologies and research and historial perspectives. You can argue the toss about "identity politics on the basis of informed and educated opinion". Lovely. Go right ahead.

But you'd be missing what I feel is the most important thing that that book has to say.

And that's as transvestites, we need to stop being so bloody selfish and start thinking about the impact we have on out partners, our friends, and even random people in the street.

...

I get a little angry inside whenever I read emails and forum posts that suggest that all our community needs is to be shown in its true light, and the world will start accepting us willy-nilly. It's suggested, over and over again, that all the images we see of transvestism in the media are "misrepresentative", and that if only they'd show us for what we really are, then everything would be rosy.

But I'm sorry. I think that's wrong. I think, in fact, that the images of transvestites on television are pretty bloody accurate — whether it's frumpy, dowdy, ashamed, furtive blokes peeking out of their living-room curtains to see if the local chavs have gone away, or it's the deluded "no-one reads me" local laughing-stock, or it's the fetishitic extrovert with a penchant for latex.

We're a wide and diverse community — and I think we all get our fair share of air-time.

The thing is, to my mind anyway, that those of us who insist that all we need is to tell our side of the story, would have a bit of a shock if they got the chance. All the conversations I read (OK, not all) tend to exist in some alternate universe — where every non-trannie spends all their days laugh at us, where women are jealous of us, and where everything we say and do is absolutely, unquestionably right.

Getting back to MHB though — the thing that I took away from it was that the TV community needs not only to be more vocal about itself, it also needs to be prepared to be challenged on some of the things it takes for granted.

...

Take that well-used answer to the question of "are you sexist?" for example. One of the things I overhear sometimes, is trannies saying "I can't be sexist — I admire women, and that's why I want to look like one".

It's the "imitation is the best form of flattery" line of reasoning.

The thing is though, just how close to reality is the image we portray of women? Most of the time, it's miles off the mark. The ideas of femininity that get bandied around the tranniesphere make me cringe sometimes — the adoption of dumbed-down language, the air of ditzyness...

(Here's a good moment to throw stuff in my face incidently. I know I do that too. But it bothers me. The self-images I have of Siobhan as the Little-Miss-Clumsy, and Graham as Mr. Sensible, really worry me — and if it wasn't for them being so ingrained in my self-identity, I'd take some steps)

...

So yeah, the point of My Husband Betty, as I read it, wasn't to provide an indepth, critical analysis of cultural and gender identity — there are loads of books on things like that. The point was to say "Oi, guys. It isn't just all about you. The things you do, the things you say, the way you present what you feel is an image of 'femininity' — they all have an effect and an impact on the people in the world around you. Stop thinking about yourselves for a change, and you might notice that the rest of the world would love to get to know yous, and what you're all about. But it's a two-way street — don't just demand acceptance. We have to work this thing out, and if you spend all your time sulking that the 'world doesn't understand you', well, then we're never going to get anywhere"

The problem is not the feeling. The problem is the word and the associations it brings.

Kris, I agree completely — and I think that kinda sums up one of my major frustrations with the trannie community. This feeling that we have, none of us really knows what it is — but some of us try and go off on a scientific quest to quantify it.

...Which I think is utterly futile. I mean, can you imagine producing a stream of references and academic literature in defense of yourself when someone takes the piss?

(reminds me of that conversation I had with those Irish blokes in the hotel before Becky and I went to Angelic — I'd been listening to some random trannie try for about half an hour to explain why she did what she did, and give example after example, followed by analogy after analogy to back it up. The guys were just staring at her thinking "weirdo". Then one of them asked me "Why do you do it?", and I asked him back "Why do you not do it?" — and I think he got it )

Yes, we have this feeling — but when the insular nature of the Tranniesphere starts to grin over the issues, and come to the conclusion that we are 'girly' and 'in touch with our feminine sides', that's where we face the danger of (a) pissing off everyone else, and (b) being ridiculed.

I don't think there's anything wrong with the feeling — but the way we express it needs to be reassessed — calling it 'girly' is tantamount to telling women that their place is in the kitchen...

*pause for reaction...*

Taking myself as an example: Aside from the sexual connotations that dressing has for me (I'm one of the trannies that dares not speak its name...), the expression of myself as Siobhan is to do with feelings of insecurity, childishness, immaturity...

When I started this whole malarky, and invented Siobhan, there was a thought at the back of my head that if I could seperate out all the personality characteristics that I'm not so proud of — my insecurity, etc... — into Siobhan, then it would free myself from that crap, and let me be a more mature person.

And now, that really bothers me. In a sense, what I was saying is that my weaknesses were akin to femininity — I could package all my childishness up into a ball and call it 'girly'.

This is where the problem between trans/feminism really comes to a head. If we, in our forums and mailing lists, keep reffering to "girly" and "feminine", then we set ourselves up to be shot down. And we don't make any friends.

If we had a better word to describe that feeling, one without the tired connotations, I'd jump at it.

Me too — so maybe we should think of a new word. Or perhaps we should take the Gay Community's lead and try and reclaim our equivalent to "queer": trannie (or "tranny", I just like the way I spell it).

We don't need to define what that word means — the diversity in our community is so huge that all attempts to pin ourselves down to some homogeneric (she said, making up a new word...) raison d'etre will never work.

if somebody has a problem with seeing a man in a frock(sorry) walking down the street, then it really is his problem, and not yours because you happen to like a skirt.

C'lam, don't apologise hon — that's just what were are

I think though, that there's a flip-side to the idea that things are other people's problem. I think if we're going to start saying to people "get over it", then we also need to be able to get over ourselves.

We need to stop navel-gazing, and (as Katya put it so well on her blog):

we all get caught up in our little Trans comfort zones and pat each other on the back about things and progress and how good the pics look...

We need to stop trying to justify ourselves internally, and start engaging with the rest of the world.

*goes to think this through a bit more...*

likes wearing a broader range of clothes, cosmetics and hairstyles than most men — isn't that what it boils down to?

Nope — I think it's more than that. If it was just the clothes and stuff, it'd be easy to be militant about (cue Eddie's "Total Clothing Rights"). We'd just all get behind each attempt by a fashion designer to stick blokes in skirts and that would be that.

What's different, I think, is that there's something lurking at the back of our subconsiouses — something that's yet to be established — something that makes us go a lot further than just wearing a skirt. It's not just about that — it's about the way wearing a skirt makes us feel.

Some of us use the "I feel more relaxed and comfortable when I'm dressed" approach to explain it, but again, I think there's more.

Trannie is a state of mind. What I think is unfortunate though, is that that state of mind often finds its expression in a naive understanding of what it means to be female. And that's what I think was the thing that stood out to me in the small part of MHB that I read.

actually you are in a relationship with Brian and Betty

Jane, a fair point, but I sometimes think that the 'other woman' analogy is a bit of a cop-out. What I think is more disconcerting, is that you're being asked to completely ditch whatever ideas you had about your partner, and start interacting with them in an enforced way.

This is where the 'self-centred' part comes in: suppose it was me yeah? Suppose I was to insist to Kath that she called me "Siobhan" whenever I was dressed... It's a totally false situation. We can't expect people to drop every perception they have of us and start responding to us exactly how we dictate. The whole process is one of dialogue — it's about coming to an understanding of who and what your partner is. It's 'compromise' — but not in the negative sense.

I often think, that for partners of some trannies, it must be quite insulting to think that their partner thinks of women in that way: "This is what he thinks women are — therefore this is what he thinks I am". KNow what I mean?

Have I mentioned I'm going on holiday?

Several times honey, several times

would it not be more honest to say him, his?

It depends I think — partly on context, and partly on the knowingness of the individual. I've often thought that it's generally OK for trannes to refer to each other as "she" when it's in a closed space — like an internet community for example. But I think that irony is important within that space.

I refer to myself as "she" sometimes, so does Kath, but it's with a very aware sense that I'm not a "she". And I think that makes it OK.

It's like the other day when someone left a comment informing me that my top-ten list made me sound like a bloke. I know, and I think people know me well enough to know that I know.

I get what you're saying though, and I can see how it's offensive. All language carries baggage with it, and the adoption of words that are specific to one section of society (especially a section that faced/faces oppression and discrimination) without any thought as to what that might imply is at best naive, and at worst downright insulting.

Perhaps a contraction of words is in order here — like Kris's "twunt" above? Perhaps we should take "her" and "him" and join them together?

But that would give us "herm"