Wednesday, 10th August, 2005

Specifics of the Origins

tranny self origins story

(Somewhere, deep in the bowels of Westminster Abbey, you can just about hear the sounds of a subterranean-rotational-movement coming from beneath a stone that says "Darwin")

I'm always wary of delving into the whys and wherefores of why I enjoy dressing up as a girl. As I've said before (numerous times ) it's not why men wear frocks that interests me — it's what happens when they do. The interactions between trannies and the people around them — the mental double-takes, the questioning of gender, the masking of identity — all those things I find fascinating.

But that's not to say that I'm not curious as to why I do this, what it was that first sowed the seeds of transvestism in my head.

One thing that seems to be very prevalent — almost de rigure — in trannie-biographies, is the sentence "from the age of about 5". It's a sign that this Thing That We Do™ is not some kind of post-teen hobby that we've picked up, or some kind of handy little affection to achieve some ulterior motive. Nope — it's something that's in our heads, and has been from a very early age.

But, personally, I'm not sure if that's the case with me I know (as I've mentioned elsewhere) that I think my introduction to transvestism comes from early childhood fantasy play, but I don't have the memory of secretively raiding my mother's underwear drawer...

...at least not at the age of 5. In my teens, yes — but not earlier than that.

I have a bit of a gap in my t-memory you see. I can remember vividly drifting off into Fantasy Land as a child, and I can picture myself looking up the word Transvestite in the dictionary at the age of thirteen — but the space in between is fuzzy. I can't connect the two.

I know there must have been things that happened during those seven or eight years that clicked in my head, and gave me a reason to look for a particular word in the dictionary ... but I'm at a bit of a loss as to what they are...

The Dressing Up Box

If you were a pop-psychologist — the kind that does character-appraisals in the pub with no training — you might think that this one has a lot to do with it.

For some reason — a reason that I must ask my parents about some time (as long as I can avoid it insinuating anything about my trans-life) — there was a dressing up box in my bedroom. Not your usual run-of-the-mill cowboys-and-indians-and-the-like dressing up box (although I've just had a brief memory flash of me with a feather in my hair ) — nope, it was a box full of nighties and hats and skirts and high heels.

When we were kids, my brother and I used to spend ages running round the house in my mother's old high heels, and wearing her nighties.

"Aha!" scream all the aforementioned pop-psychologists, "That's where Siobhan got her transvestism from!"

But no. It can't be surely? I mean, if it was just that, then how come my brother isn't a trannie too? (I've asked him — he insists he's not) And it doesn't fill the gap in my memory either — we must've stopped doing that when I was about six or seven, that still leaves me with about six years of unaccounted-trannieness.

An Evolution of Expression

(Ack, enough with the Darwinian metaphors already)

This gap bugs me. I like to have things all neatly arranged in boxes and labeled accordingly. I'd like to have a little mental diagram which charts the development of my transvestism from child-with-an-unrealised-fetish into pisshead-in-a-nightclub-in-a-dress. It's like the Pant-stealing Gnomes from South Park:

1. Steal Underpants
2. ???
3. Profit!

...except in my case, it's more like this:

1. Steal Underpants (from mother)
2. ???
3. Transvestite!

Sure, I could explain (in probably too much detail really) just what happened from my teenage-dictionary-adventure to the present day — how the expression of Me As A Trannie™ has evolved into my current head-space.

But I wish I could fill in that gap. I wish I knew what it was that made me first think I was a transvestite. Not because I think it would give me some kind of insight, or something I could use to argue a particular case or not — but just because it niggles me.

It's like watching a film, nipping out for a slash near the start, and then not quite being able to pick up the plot properly when you come back.

Dolls

We also had dolls when I was young — my brother and I that is. Mine was thin and blonde I think. His was stumpy and auburn.

But again, you could probably try and link that to what I turned out like — but I don't think you can. Partly because of the same reasons as the dressing up box (how come it affected me and not him?), but also because it subscribes to a hideous cliché of boys and girls.

The Worm That Turned

Sorry to bring it up again, but I was quite surprised just how many people contacted me the last time I mentioned it with "me too!" emails.

I wouldn't — it has to be said — credit the Two Ronnies with the act of turning me into a transvestite, but I would say that watching that series certainly stirred something in my head at the tender age of (um, quick guess ) eight.

It wasn't the sight of Messers Barker and Corbett running around in awful flowery dresses that had any affect on me — it was Diana Dors in uniform that had an impact. And perhaps it was the thought that that show put in my head — the thought of a world in which women dressed as men, and men dressed as women — that had something to do with the development of the idea of Me As A Trannie.

Ack, I dunno...

Checklists Revisited

I think though, that what's important from all of this, is (again) not why I'm a transvestite — it's that I am one, and how that nugget of self-identity gets expressed.

Joanna's Tranny Checklist which she posted the other day (and which, if it ever came to a court of law, I'd insist that she nicked off me ) was an impressive detailing of the normal progression for a transvestite these days. It does seem to me that there's some kind of accepted path that we all seem to follow when we start to come out of the closet wardrobe.

But, well, I kinda feel that that path is somehow dictated to by our surroundings. The ways in which we express our transvestism are very much influenced by either what we see around us, or by memories and perceptions of what we saw when we were young.

See, I'd like to separate out what I think are two distinct things in my (and permit me to make an assumption here) and other trannies heads.

On the one hand, we have all the paraphernalia that's attached (*groan*) to the modern transvestite — the breast forms (hence the *groan* ), the stockings, the little denim skirt... — stuff that gets suggested to us from our social situations. And on the other, we have an undeniable something that sits in our heads and makes us what we are.

Because I think it's really important to separate them. Otherwise, we're left with a definition of transvestite that acts as a stereotype, and defines how people like us must express themselves. And when we do that, we set unreachable goals for ourselves.

There was a thread in The Angels the other day, that concentrated on the effects that coming out to your partner had on them. On the whole, I thought it was quite a positive thread — but there was a niggle...

The thing about setting standards for ourselves, is that it almost enforces a "how our partners must react" standard on them. It carries a whiff of "this is the perfect life for a transvestite and their partner" — if you get what I mean.

And going back to what I was warbling about the other day, insisting that there is a right and wrong way for transvestism, makes anyone that doesn't live up to that ideal feel inadequate. I get the impression that there are hundreds (if not thousands) of TVs out there who aren't happy with the way that their transvestism interacts with the rest of their lives — whether that's with their partner, or with their job, or with their social circle. And I think part of that dissatisfaction has a lot to do with these standards we place on ourselves.

What I would find really interesting, is seeing how transvestism evolves when there's no social pressure. If we ignore the current Ideal Trannie™ (now there's an idea for a Daily Mail sponsored trade show) for a second, what happens then? If the expression of transvestism is allowed to evolve through the combined input of a TV and their partner — what happens?

Sometimes I get emails from people that say things like "I wish I could be like you". Part of me wants to email them back saying "No you don't — the hangovers are a killer", but part of me wants to point out that the way I am now is a result of the past 33 years of my life, and that that's just the way it's worked out for me.

I don't think there should be a definition of the expression of transvestism. I think everyone should work out what it means for them and the people around them — and I think if we all did that, we'd see some rather interesting divergences taking place.

Does that make any sense?

around 8 I started trying on my mothers clothes

The thing is Lana, I don't think that's what I did. Yes, I was wearing women's clothes at an early age — but it wasn't in the secretive, hide-the-evidence way that I read so much about. Personally, I didn't wear my mother's clothes because I was a transvestite — I wore them because they were there.

were you watching me type that

Sometimes Lana, sometimes I do

Rachel, am I imagining all this then? I'll admit it's entirely possible that this whole notion of the Ideal Trannie™ might just be a complete fabrication of my head. I dunno though — all the times I'm out, I see other trannies going through the motions — as described by Jo. And I see frustrated email after frustrated email wishing for that Ideal Trannie lifestyle.

It just strikes me that the ideal in a lot of our heads is one that's based on seeing other 'girls' — rather than an exploration of what transvestism means to us as individuals.

(God, get me today I'm sorry if I'm coming across as a right up-my-own-arse wotsit. It's just quite a hard issue to address without sounding like Little Miss Knowitall)

Now hold on a minute.

Why do we start dressing & what makes us trannie? That really is the BIG question.

No, I disagree Steph — I think it's an utterly irrelevant, yet strangely interesting, question. It doesn't matter why I do this, despite my interest from a personal standpoint — the big question is how does this affect me and other people.

Analysing why too much, sounds like the beginings of a preventative psychological programme to me. I don't think there's anything wrong with what we do — but if we start to dig into What Made Us What We Are too much then it might come across as if there is something wrong.

(she said, not really being able to put the thought in her head into words)

And Steph and Jenna, in regards to an increased femininity? I couldn't disagree more. I'm not convinced that femininity has got anything to do with transvestism. In fact, I'd go along with what Miss K just said about trannies being outstandingly blokish examples of human beings.

I think we're treading on thin ice when we, as a community, start talking about ourselves in terms of the "feminine" — it's a term fought over in other groups than ourselves, and we risk treading on every single toe from Germaine Greer to Sylvia Pankhurst.

The thing that sticks in my head about the word, is that when we use it as men we're propping up a tired, outdated, irrelevant stereotype of what women are — which although I know a lot of women have problems with transvestites because of exactly that, I still think we have a big role to play in challenging gender boundaries. Not reinforcing them.

...

I think I was a bit misleading in what I was writing about this morning. I wasn't trying to find a cause of my transvestism — I was just trying to fill in a gap in my memory. As Tina pointed out, rather a lot of us do this for sexual reasons — me included. It just struck me as odd that I couldn't remember any secific trannie things from the age of 6 to 13. That's all.

we immediately start trying to conform to this prescribed image of the “Ideal Trannie!”

Hmm, damm you Renee for expressing that better than I did

Can I shove it a stage further though — just to see what happens?

Can I suggest for a moment, that the whole of transvestism is a product of our social environment — the way we express 'it' is down to factors outside of our control (like what defines women's and men's clothing for a start...) and that if we want to actually understand transvestism, we need to completely rethink our ideas about it?

when [...] society learns to say 'So what?'

God, I'd hate that. The day that society looks at me walking down a street and sighs a colelctive "meh" is the day I give this whole crossdressing malarky up.

Hmm, can I quote myself on this?

if it was the norm for women to drive six-inch nails through their eyeballs and for men to wear frocks, we'd be constucting some kind of 'nail-driving' service, and our forums would be full of advice on where to buy the best hammers...

...

I honestly don't think you can blame environment, or nurture or genetics it just is.

Jane, I was with you until that — I think that, OK, you can't blame genetics — but you can blame environment and nurture. I think that's what makes us what we are — doesn't it?

(with a healthy sprinkle of the Thing That We Can't Quite Put Our FIngers On™ as well. Of course)

*pfft*

Remind me to re-implement my PHP-Figlet code so we can all experience shouting at a much higher level

<?php

    switch ($piggy) {
    case 1:
       $house = "Straw" ;
       $huff += "puff" ;
       return "in" ;
       break;
    case 2:
       $house = "Sticks" ;
       $huff += "puff" ;
       return "in" ;
       break;
    case 3:
       $house = "Bricks" ;
       $huff += "puff" ;
       return "not by the hair of my chinny chin chin" ;
       break;
    }

?>

CodeJokes™: They're just so funny

I also don't know exactly why my car is able to do everything it does. And truthfully, I don't really care. It's where I GO with it that matters to me.

I wish I'd thought of that That's the best metaphor I've heard in ages.