Thursday, 13th October, 2005

What I Want

The answers to that question have, I must confess, left me rather confused.

Years ago, when I was a lot younger and was a student-union-bod, everything was all about campaigning. Unhappy with the government's latest bit of draconian right-wing thinking? Let's have a campaign against it! Someone in a bar being a bit homophobic? Let's have a campaign against it!.

You get the idea.

But this is so different isn't it?

The original idea in my head when I started writing The Book That Will Never Get Finished™ was to write some kind of manifesto (hence the hilarious title) that we could all wave in the faces of the Vanilla Folk™ and shout "C'mon guys! This is what we want!"

But it's so not the case is it? It's not about going on some sort of march and waving placards that read "Rights (and heels) for Trannies!".

It's all about (once again) us. It's about us defining the space around us, defining how we want to interact with the world, and then seeing what that interaction creates.

I don't want to dress like a girl all the time. That would suck. In fact, I'm rather getting off on being a boy at the moment. I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that the biggest thing I get out of all of this (the public side of things anyway) is the effect of confusion.

The only thing that I wish I could do, is be a little bit more open about talking about me being a trannie — not actually being a trannie.

That probably makes no sense. I'll try and elaborate

Yesterday, when I was giving that lecture, there were so many things I could have shown the students. One of the things I was really trying to get across to them was how you don't have to be some sort of code-genius to get things online — you can take pictures and films and stuff with cameras and phones, and within seconds they can be up on the web for everyone to see.

I wanted to show them the idea of people interacting and collaborating online — through weblogs, message boards, chatrooms — and how that space that gets created when we make Stuff™ can impact on our Real Lives as well as our Online Lives.

I would have loved to show them this weblog. I would have loved to take them on a tour of Second Life...

You see, that's the one thing that's pissing me off at the moment. (OK, so obviously that's not the only thing ). Boy-me just makes pictures and films. All my professional work is about is stripes. And maybe swirls.

But all the stuff I've been doing recently — the interesting things — stuff that explores personality, identity, online interaction — I've done it all as Siobhan. And if I wawnt to explore it in a more rigorous way — perhaps through some Actual Serious Research™, I'm going to have to be open about myself.

...

I'm so going over old ground here aren't I? I remember talking about this almost exactly a year ago and it bugs me that really, I've come no further in terms of personal development in all that time.

Basically, I know what I want. But the thought of getting it scares the crap out of me.

BTW

I'm not having a good day today.

Regurgitating Photographs

Or, if you like, Manual Flickr-Type Things™

If you're anything like me, and you try and take photographs of yourself, wherever you store the outcomes of vain little sessions will be full of thousands of photographs that will never see the light of day. Photos where I look crap. Photos where I don't look like what I wanted to. Photos that *ahem* I took for my own personal use

It's a shame though, isn't it? I mean we go to all that trouble, but we only get a handful back that we like. So, I thought I'd play around with some of my less acceptable images, and see if I could turn them into something.

Usually, for me anyway, this involves flinging every Photoshop technique I know at them, in the hope of salvaging some sense of self-pride. But this time, I thought I'd try something different, and set myself a little bit of a strategy.

Basically, I've very, very quickly ploughed through a stack of stuff that I didn't like, and cropped each one down to a 160 x 160 pixel swaure. Then flung them all together to see what they look like...

Oh look, OK, I was bored alright? It kept me occupied for at least half an hour...

Oh, um, I didn't actually go to the Village last night. I was really tired and came straight home after work.

Bare

photo

(via flickr.com/people/si08han)

The house seems really empty without the photographs

is there something that makes that more complicated than is readily apparent?

Um yeah — it costs me about £300 to make them.

Assuming that I'm not asking you to reveal some magic-circle-like trade secret

Um, actually. Sorry.

10 Foot Six

photo

(via flickr.com/people/si08han)

Yes, but it's the girth that counts. Surely

A Minute-long Stroll

Have I ever mentioned the photo-shoot I did in New York about a year and a half ago? I had this idea a few years ago, to take a camera, set the shutter speed to one second, then walk from 60th Street to 1st Street taking a picture every time I crossed the road.

The very first time I tried it, I totally screwed up by not picking an Avenue that went right down to 1st Street. A year later, I managed to do it properly.

The photographs themselves, I've never had printed — the two rolls of film are still sat in my drawer, waiting for me to scan or print them. The idea behind it was that by doing this, I'd have captured exactly one minute of New York light onto film. It seemed a good idea at the time

The thing is though, I've tried talking to people about it ever since, and no-one ever quite gets what the images might look like. So, I thought, seeing as how I was at a bit of a loose end today, and how I seem to be in a bit of a photographic mood, I'd repeat the process. But instead of a glamorous location like 2nd Avenue in Manhattan, I'd do it based on the journey from my house to the shops ...

The full set is on Flickr, if yous are at all interested.

Personally, my favourite is this one:

Imaginary Conversations

Half-way through that little photographic excursion of mine, I bumped into Tish.

This, as I mention over and over again, isn't that unusual thing to happen, considering that the cycle-path seems to form part of his territory. What was unusual, was that this time he didn't do that teenage thing of going "Mum! Go away! You're embarrassing me!", and came over to play.

So there I was, sat by the side of the cycle-path, with Tish rubbing himself all over my legs, when two men stopped to chat.

...

I don't know if it's just me, or anyone else does this, but I have a habit of inventing conversations with people, after they've gone. Things pop into my mind as to what would have been cool to say, what would have been an excellent come-back to an insult, what would have been an excellent chat-up line. That sort of thing.

See if you can spot the moment in this story where I lose the thread of reality and drift of into Siobhan's World Of Imaginary Small Talk™...

...

Dog owners must get this sort of thing all the time — you know, when random strangers come up to talk to you based purely on the ice-breaker that is your pet. We chatted about how pretty Tish was, and how surprised they were that he was mine and how far from home he was. We talked about the heron that was currently on the bank of the river, that they insisted I tried to take a shot of with my camera. (It had gone by the time I got there)

It was pretty obvious to me though, that these two guys were a couple. In fact, they came across as a really really sweet couple. Both of them in their forties I guess, and really softly spoken and nice. I'm sure, in fact, that I've seen them out together at a local LGBT night — the first time I went out dressed in Lancaster in fact.

So yeah, we're chatting away:

"Hold on a minute, I'm sure I recognise you"

"Me, really?"

"Yeah. Aren't you Siobhan Curran?"

"Why yes, yes I am"

"Wow! We read your blog all the time! Every day in fact. So do all of the Gay Community here in Lancaster. Everyone loves what you write."

"Aw, shucks"

"Are you blogging this? Are we going to be in your blog?! That would be so cool!"

"I might just do that. In fact, I think I will"

...

Ack c'mon. Let me dream a little, please

Hope I'm totally wrong

No, you're not wrong. Sorry. Some days, I guess, I just really miss her. That's all.

A Small Game

So, we all know that part of the photography that I do revolves around colour-reactions to people and places. Well, I just made another one, and I thought I'd share it:

First person to correctly guess who it's of, wins a prize

Who's David Cameron?

Bloody Philistines...

No, as I just told Becky in IM, I don't have any green in me.

it has to be the great John Peel

Nope. I'll do one of him one day, but it isn't him

Nope. Not enough pink

Actually, thinking about it for a second, Becky would have yellow in her. Not sure why...

Oh, and Kris, you're very close. Very very close...

(You're so not BTW )

"Shiney", "gawdy", "tasteless" — these words are interchangable

April, now that was handy, seeing as the prize was the chance to spend a day taking photographs of me...

Selina, there would be more flames if it had anything to do with Aardman.

(was that too harsh?)

*takes hat off. Bows. Then goes to bed*

Argh! My eyes!