Friday, 17th March, 2006

Sorry...

st-patrick

...about that. I'll remove it in a couple of minutes. I just wanted to be all festive for a little while

(Yeah, I know — it totally breaks my website)

Aye — sometimes I wonder whether all these "change your homepage to reflect the current date" things are worth it

Gotta say though — I do like Google's shamrocks

Road Closed

photo

I first found out about this via a random Googling for the road I live on — buried, deep within a Transco press release was information about what roads around here were going to be closed for a bit.

Last night, on the way home, I chanced my arm and went my normal way — to find this outside my house.

Dunno how long it's going to be like that Bit of a pain in the arse to be honest.

...

This morning though, they were tearing up the road with a pneumatic drill. I lay there in bed, pillow over my ears, trying to cut the noise down.

Inconsiderate bastards — do they not know some lazy-arsed people are trying to sleep at 9.30 in the morning? Eh?

Cordial Invites

party

Invitations which start with the phrase "You are cordially..." always make me think they're for parties where you have to bring a bottle — of Ribena.

/me bows — I thank you

Seriously though, does anyone in the area fancy coming round this evening for Guinness, whiskey, peat, 'craic' (bring your own pipe), and annoying fiddle-de-diddle music which I'm about to buy on the iTMS?

It's either that, or spend some dreadful evening in a sodding theme bar with ghastly students running around in stoopid Guinness hats.

So You Want To Be Irish...

funny irish

...and let's face it, who wouldn't eh? The Irish are loved world-wide. Nobody has any gripes with them, they're all lovely and cuddly, and they're good for a laugh. And what with this being St. Patrick's Day, I thought I'd publish my little ten-step guide to what you need to do to convince everyone around you that you've got the Liffy flowing in your veins.

(Apologies to Becky, natch. And probably everyone who is Irish too)

1. Accent

There is only one accent in this world that's more sexy than a softly-emphasised Belfast accent, and that's a Dublin one. Chances are that you won't have either of these, so just talk in your normal voice until someone points out to you that you don't really have an Irish accent,

Then make every single effort to contrive an accent after that — laying heavy emphasis on words like "filum", "playt", "errn", "tayl"¹ and covering up by saying that you've lived in England too long.

2. Drink (1)

"Whiskey" — that's how it's spelt, and don't let anyone else forget it.

When confronted by proud Scots, casually remind them that it was the Chinese that invented Whiskey in the first place, and that Ireland was making it long before Scotland.

So Nya

Note, also, that there is no such thing as a shit Irish whiskey — then point to Bells et al.

Then, in a loud voice (preferably in Glasgow), declare that "the Scots can't even spell the fucking word"

3. Drink (2)

Guinness: it's a well known fact that until recently, every single pint of Guinness poured in England was made in London with rats' piss rather than water.

For years, the "but it tastes fucking awful" excuse was a valid one, but now it's all brewed at St Jame's Gate, there's no reason not to drink the stuff to mantain a veil of credibility.

Having said that of course, I bet they still ship all the crap stuff over here, and save the best for Dublin and New York...

Ooh, and also, make too much rantage about people who spell it "Guiness".

4. Drink (3)

Quantity — that's what's important. People expect you to have Jamesons for blood, so why disappoint them?

Remember, there's a whole nation's reputation for being able to "put it away" resting on your performance in the local pub/club — not that that should be any pressure or anything.

5. Nationality

Not being born in Ireland is not a reason to not call yourself "Irish". I bet that every single one of us once had an aunt who knew a guy whose daughter once bought a Westlife album — which is officially enough to wear shamrocks in your lapels on the 17th of March.

Having said that, if you were born there, don't worry too much that it was in the North rather than the South. And pay no heed to whether or not your parents were born there, or if they moved there in 1969.

It simply doesnt matter. Use the words "I'm Irish" whenever you can — it's the one bit of individuality you've got.

And the chicks love it.

6. Fighting

Fighting is a key part of Irish life. If however, you are a wimp, then just ignore it completely and call it a "dammed stereotype" and dismiss it outright.

Punch anyone who disagrees with you.

7. A Wistful Yearning For The 'Motherland' And Times Gone By

Ireland is a beautiful country. It's all rolling green hills and stuff, with leprchauns on every corner offering wise words of wisdom, and secret fairie caves, and Guinness.

Every street has a collection of fading-paint Georgian doorways, and pubs called "O'Hoolahans" and "O'Gradys" and "O'Mygodimpissedbejeesus". Children chase horses through cobbled streets, old women smoke pipes whilst spinning cotton on pointed rabbits².

There's no racism, no poverty, and lots of potatos.

Everyone is called "Spud", or "Billy McCormac", or "Fingal", or "Fergal Sharkey", and U2 spend every Sunday evening buying rounds for old men in hats.

"Danny Boy" is always at Number One in the charts, and Guinness is available on-tap on street corners.

8. Never Actually Going There

There are two three reasons to visit Ireland: Family, Potato Bread, and "tracing my roots".

The third is easy, frankly. Your roots are in America.

Or, if you're me, Liverpool.

9. Purchasing Decisions

So, you've got a fire, and you want to burn stuff. What do you get?

Do you go down the sensible route of buying coal and logs and things — things that are readily available and pretty cheap?

No!

You buy expensive peat, and proudly declare this fact to everyone you meet within five minutes of talking to them.

Also, it helps to casually throw in the "I'm importing bits of home and burning it" line whenever you get the chance.

10. Drink. Girls. Feck. Drink

Ah, the Irish language

Don't actually learn it — just use Google to find odd phrases and chuck them in when no-one is looking.

Also, don't actually bother to find out how to pronounce things — that's too hard. Just rest on your laurels that you know how to pronouce your own name, and never let on that for years you thought that the Canadian girl in your class at school was called "Sigh-Oh-Bah-Han".

Because, well, that would be far too embarassing

---

¹ That'd be "film", "plate", "iron" and "towel". I have real problems with those words. Funny True Story™ regarding the last of those...

I'm stood in BHS one day, wanting to buy some towels. I can't see what I want (as usual) so I go up to an assistant to ask her for help.

"Hi, do you have any plain towels?"

"No we don't do them. Have you tried B&Q?"

"B&Q? All I'm after is some plain, white cotton towels"

"I'm sorry sir, I don't think you'll find cotton tiles anywhere."

² Nope. No idea what that was. Possibly trying to be too Izzard there

Fiddle-dee-dee

irish music

Just to give you a taste of how Irish my evening is, I'd like to quote the lyrics from the track I'm currently listening to:

"Dum dittle do-yi-dattle dum dee dittle dum, dattle doo-yattle diddle dattle dum"

Setting The Tone

irish music

46 Of Your Favourite Irish Drinking Songs

a world better than Jamesons

See, Gillian proves my point — the Scots know nothing about whiskey