Hello 
I'm Siobhan Curran/Kisa Naumova, and this is my weblog. I tend to write about stuff like crossdressing, Macs, code, cats, wine and Second Life, but in general it's just an ongoing conversation about all sorts of stuff. If you'd like to know a little bit more about what this all is, I recommend starting on this page which has a little bit of info on who I am, and what I'm trying to do — or you could dive into my five years worth of archives if you like.
Otherwise, feel free to close this box and explore...
Defining A Point Between Genders
I have never in the past, nor will I ever in the future, define myself as being "transgendered".
I know that a lot of people do, and this isn't one of those "this word is bad and we shouldn't use it" posts, I'm just saying that 'transgendered' isn't a word that I'd consider labeling myself with.
(One word that I would maybe start a rant against, is "T-girl". I really fucking hate that word. What in God's EARTH is a "T-girl"?! Phonetically it's awful, semantically it sucks, and as a "please take me seriously as a person" type introduction ... personally it makes me want to laugh in people's faces)
This whole thing has been prompted recently in my head by a couple of emails that recently came my way:
From Jon
...So Mr/Mrs Dual personality, which one would you prefer I link to?
From April
...I have two states for you "Siobhan" and "Not Siobhan".
The thing is, you see, I should maybe take another stab at trying to express how exactly I feel about myself — and how this whole "transvestite" malarky fits into it.
Perhaps.
I really find it hard to define myself as being anything other than male. If you've ever had an email off me, one in which I've included my .sig, then you'll know I define myself as "not a girl, I'm a bloke in a dress"
...
Actually, just as a brief aside, you can always tell exactly where I am by certain things in my emails. If you get an email off me with my Full And Proper .Sig™ at the end of it, then I'm at home, upstairs, on my G5. If you get one without, then I'm either lying on my sofa or in bed with the laptop.
If you get a short, unexpressive, terse email without a .sig, then I'm away from home and using a rather clunky web-mail system.
Which I hate.
...
Sorry, yeah, bloke in a dress. I have for a long time now, taken great pains to dismiss any idea that I'm anything approaching 'female', in anyway shape or form. I don't think it's morally right for me to do so — based in part from too many encounters with Angry Feminists™, and generally (rightfully so) pissed off women, not too impressed with the idea of me stepping on their toes in my bid for self-expression.
But the thing is, I've increasingly felt unable to define myself as "bloke" — and what I'm wondering is how much that's affecting my ability to describe myself as "male".
At the end of the day, I am, honestly, a man. I have man's bits. I feel comfortable as a man. I don't feel in any way inclined to define myself as being anything other than "a man who wears women's clothing".
But.
But.
BUT
"Man" isn't enough. I know I'm something else — but I'm having a hard time trying to pin down what that is. I don't feel that I can use the "I'm somewhere between man and woman" line, because that just doesn't feel right at all. I need something else to define me.
See, the other thing is that I don't wear these clothes because I feel they 'suit my gender' better. I guess that's the reason some of us do it, but not me. Personally.
Primarily, I wear women's clothing because (um, two reasons actually) (1) they look good on me, and (2) they bloody turn me on.
I do — quite frankly — get dressed up a lot of the time for a quick one off the wrist...
...but then again, I don't. Or rather, that's not the only reason I do this. Sometimes, I just feel in the kind of head-space that seems to require a skirt.
And that's what's really confusing me at the moment. Before, I could quite happily sit here and tell you that for me, the entire 'wearing a skirt' thing was all about sex at the end of the day. But now, I dunno.
...
Defining myself as "Graham" or "Siobhan" is too simplistic. Defining myself as "Siobhan" and "Not Siobhan" is too simplistic too.
Just at this moment, I'm really finding it hard to pin down what I'm feeling about the person I am, the preferences I have, and what it is that I want out of all this.
Gah.
Tell you what though — I stick by that "T-girl" thing.
Maybe it's wrong to want anything out of it. Maybe it's something that just exists, without reason or purpose. Neither a means or an end.
You have always seemed androgyne to me.
Not really transexual or transvestite. (Well, obviously a transvestite, but not in the definition of "I wanna look like a woman but being a man" or something.. Just the act of wearing the oppossite clothes, and maybe the fetish, idk.)
well, most definitively you aren't transexual.On the other hand, transgendered... By the word's definition, you aren't exactly male gender, i'm afraid. It may be an ugly word, but it's descriptive 
I'm sorry, but i don't know why would it be a bad word, since it does mean what it says (unlike, say, Metrosexual. now That's a bad word.)
I agree with Zaida, in that I've always seen you as kind of androgynous. I know it shouldn't matter, and categories and labels aren't often helpful or meaningful but sometimes you need to use something.
How about G-boy?....(hides)
BTW -I hope I didn't offend you with the Dual personality thing.
Y'see, yous'll have to excuse all of that — I'm really not happy with the way I expressed things in the above. Basically, I'm confused about a lot of things at the moment — and things conspire to make me feel differently about myself, as I have done in the past.
Maybe it's wrong to want anything out of it.
Well, I'd argue against that, but actually what happeed there is that I shifted the topic half way through a sentence, and forgot to tell anyone.
You have always seemed androgyne to me
Hmm, see, I kinda have a problem with that word. There's something intentional about it. This is just personal semantics and wotnot, obviously.
I hope I didn't offend you with the Dual personality thing
Heh 
Of course not. It made total sense. In fact, there was a thought at the back of my head to ask the gallery to list the work as being done by "Siobhan Curran" rather than boy-me. I wanted, somehow, to 'consolidate' ('aggregate' if you will) any disparate identities that I might have formed for myself over the years into the one that has the most cohesiveness.
Shit. Do I sound like I've been talking art-bollocks to students all day?
I'm suprised no-one has yet offered you (Perhaps out of their own shame for even considering) this little morsel of philosophising:
You aren't a boy.
You aren't a girl.
You just are
Now I'm going to have my head on a wooden block outside my house, where anyone who wishes can come swing that ol' axe.
(Ponders a little more)
See, and no offence to Zaida & Jon, but I always thought Androgyne was a bit of a lame-duck cop-out. Less a positive statement about who you are, and more a statement about what you aren't. It's like the sort of thing one does when you start to size yourself up to other people and ponder as to what your life looks like — you know, I'm not wonderful and famous I'm not wildly successful etc. It's quite unhealthy (perhaps) to judge yourself in those terms, and since you would consider yourself to require a new noun, then perhaps it's time to throw out your conventional logic and start with some fresh thinking. Wipe the slate clean — you know?. If you are/not trans, or are/not TV, then there's some sort of middle-ground of newness that needs exploring. And a new buzzword. Yes.
An anonymous coward
Whoops, wrote that, forgot to sign it, and then found a big pile of new text.
I wanted, somehow, to 'aggregate' (if you will) any disparate identities that I might have formed for myself over the years into the one that has the most cohesiveness.
Life's a challenge when you're a bloke in a dress without a decent verb on hand to describe what you do, so why don't you consolidate all of your existing indentities into one, secure and managable personality from First Pers?
It's easy, safe and secure, and no sales-persons will call. Join today, and we'll send you this free Carraige clock, or £15 in Transformation vouchers!
You just are
Ah, but you see Dan, sometines, I'm not
"Hey Siobhan, do you know where you're going with this one?"
No, of course I don't. Here, let's have a laugh at a photograph of a cat drinking tea instead, OK?
I think the mug says it all.
At the end of the day, lables are just broad catergories for people to be lumped into by the Daily Mail.
I'd be surprised, and a little disappointed, if I ever found a lable and thought to myself "That is me. There is no more or less to me than this".
Go with the mug!
Beki
Well I use the term Transgendered to describe myself and Im fairly androgynous in the way I dress most of the time these days, maybe Im getting lazy I dunno. I also have those feelings of where do I fit, and although Ive always loudly professed myself as Transvestite part of me keeps drifting into Transexual territory.
Guess I fit in the ""screwed-up"" category.
Rewind to just before the ginormous tiny tea drinking cat...
Self-identification is a great challenge. As soon as we chase down the one word or phrase that describes "who we are", something happens that changes it all up. Or, maybe that's just me. Or, maybe my observations are all wrong. I personally think that you defy all labels, but that in itself is a label.
Sorry, i didn't took offense, but i must say:
sometimes things can Not be completely polarised.
Sometimes it wont be black Or white, but a shade of gray.
And that's a very nice mug :3 We should follow its advice 
I'm totally following you here. I'm not sure I have any alternate suggestions from the ones that have already been raised, but just keep looking.
Sometimes it's all about the search.
Sorry. It's Natalie. I'm just messing with Flickr and the names are screwing up.
I have always liked that quote from the movie Car Wash — "I'm more man than you'll ever be and more woman than you'll ever get"
Or, from Time Gentleman Please — "I'm not confused"
Peetr
here's something that mostly works for me... I stretch my own understanding of what being male means until it includes people like me who like to wear clothes normally worn by women. Not just a "bloke in a dress" but a "bloke-who-loves-to-wear-dresses in a dress". Not the snappiest label ever, though!
Mmmmm — on reflection, I think this probably makes more sense after wine has been drunk...
genette
I have a big problem with the whole 'label' thing: They're too one-dimensional. I like to think of my personality as being multifaceted, like a jewel, so yes there's a trannie facet, and a jazz facet and techie and footie and alkie and dopie, reggae, artie, rockie, doc, sleepy, grumpy, etc.; the list just goes on and on. Me, the whole me, is the sum of all these parts ('scuse grammar) and to allow Me to be defined as just one of them is too reductive for my liking. However, if you insist on a single label for You then I offer this:
Diamond (in all its connotations). You can append 'geezer' as, and when, you see fit.
It even works when you're feeling 'rough'!
Alli' Cat'
I wear women's clothes and make-up therefore I'm a transvestite, but not a transexual. Hope that helps.
Or as you put it loosely, Siobhan, I'm a bloke in a dress. Nuff said as far as I'm concerned.
have you looked at the "Two Spirit" entry in wiki?
I think it was linked to ages ago by Tom Coates on his page but anyhow there's alot of interesting stuff there about gender and male/female roles.
and I love the cat drinking tea from the feel good mug, it made me feel exactly that 
I don't believe I've ever posted on this site, but I've been reading it for a while (hm, don't know how to qualify that; 'in the least creepy way possible?' OK). Really though, I've had a lot of headaches (metaphorically) over the linguistic aspect of cross-dressing, myself.
And my group of friends, transpeople and budding queer theorists among them, are not always keen on hearing me talk about gender when the general perception seems to be that there are those who are in graver need of a voice than straight-white-male crossdressers, politically speaking (although I don't know that I'd self-identify that way, it's darn close).
For what it's worth, I recently read Steppenwolf (Herman Hesse) and it unexpectedly helped me to be more OK with the issue of identity, owing to the main character's problems with identity (although they don't directly involve gender). I think that males wearing women-oriented (marketed?) clothes may indeed have as many self-descriptions or stories as there are people doing this. Which is to say, I find it tough to reconcile politics with 'coherence in my own head' because of this multiplicity of behaviors. Although I've got very accepting friends, I've come to the conclusion that for me it's best not to volunteer self-descriptions, but rather try to explain things (spontaneously wearing makeup, clothes, etc.) as best I can when people ask. In any case, I enjoy your site a great deal, and have a lot of respect both for the design of it and for the reflections and rumination you write everyday. Keep it up.
Peace,
Vaughn
This seems to be one of the bigger issues in y'all's community, really. (I know. I said y'all.) The question of personal definition. And the answer seems to be different for everyone. Some people do it to feel more complete. Others find it to be some kind of sexual turn-on. And others...simply don't know. It's understandable. And I can't wait till I can actually take a class on this stuff. But I know now that there are things that no class can show me. And that's what ...well, y'all.... are for. For me, anyway. And I'd like to think I got a couple of friends and not just insight, too.