Hello 
I'm Siobhan Curran/Kisa Naumova, and this is my weblog. I tend to write about stuff like crossdressing, Macs, code, cats, wine and Second Life, but in general it's just an ongoing conversation about all sorts of stuff. If you'd like to know a little bit more about what this all is, I recommend starting on this page which has a little bit of info on who I am, and what I'm trying to do — or you could dive into my five years worth of archives if you like.
Otherwise, feel free to close this box and explore...
Weird Referrers
Firstly, may I just point out that my name is spelt "Siobhan". Not "Sioban", not "Sibhoan", and definately not "Siobahn".
(Oh yeah, remind me to write something about how narked I was to get an email off someone the other day, who consistently, even though I corrected her, spelt my name "Siobahn")
But I digress. I am, as we all know, someone who's rather obsessive about this chosen form of self-expression. I log-watch (I kicked the habit for a while, but I've started again), even though I promised myself I wouldn't. And it intrigues me greatly sometimes, when I see an odd search result pop up in my logs...
There were things that I was going to write about that — things along the lines of "How come you get links to 'syndey whores' and 'seattle whores'?" and "Why not just look on Flickr for photos of me FFS?".
...
But I got absorbed in a personal search for an image of me logwatching, and stumbled across The Greatest Thing I Ever Wrote™
Blogging is only great when you can openly talk about things. It's only outstanding when you can open up your entire heart to an audience who aren't going to be affected personally by something you write.
This is why my writing is shit at the moment. All the personal questions, the incessant self-scrutinising that's going on in my head, the unnecessary analysis that is usually my idiom ... I can't talk about it.
Maybe I should 
Maybe the intricacies of a mid-thirties transvestite trying to get his her head around the idea that she might be involved sexually with another mid-thirties transvestite are of interest (although I've noticed — trust me — that you're all a bunch of fucking prudes who go all Victorian on me and clam up every time I even hint at the notion that April's willy might have featured in one of my many¹ orifices 
)
Or maybe I should shut up. Maybe someone else should run with that torch.
I'll stick to the "take me seriously" mantra. Even though I'm finding it hard to take myself seriously at the moment.
¹ By "many", I mean two. Obviously.
Definitely. It's nobody's business but yours (and April's of course ). I just like reading you, usually no matter what you write. Even the codey girl-geek stuff that I don't really follow.
Who cares what others think
Heh 
The thing is Lana, I do
Can Anyone Help?
I got an email the other day from a student who's trying to translate an Arabic book into English¹, asking if I knew of any Arabic OCR software. We've both Googled and not come up with anything — anything that's free anyway. So I thought, "Hold on, there's a large body of people out there who I could ask", which is exactly what I'm doing.
So, my esteemed learned friends, does anyone know of any software that can 'read' Arabic? Software that's either Open Source or comes with a trial period?
I'm not holding out much hope, but I thought it was worth a try.
¹ Nope, I have no idea why exactly. I must ask her...
I feel like I should point out that nothing you, Siobhan, or anyone else says would affect me in a bad way. Don't let my presence discourage you. I'm just not that kinda of gal. And while it is private business, if you want talk about it, anyone else should feel free to respond.
So feel free to write whatever you want. That IS your "tranniefesto" after all, right?
Ummm... not everybody's a prude. Unless I missed something, you've mentioned a fair few outings with April and posted a picture of two big dresses mounting each other. It's a bit of a stretch to go from there to assuming passionate willy-in-orifice action. If that's what's been happening, good for both of you, have fun, and tell the Victorian-minded to stick their indignation in their own orifices.
I'm assuming, of course, that passion actually is part of the equation — because if it's not, well, that would just be plain wrong, wouldn't it?
ah touche, Koan 
For me, yes passion does figure, as does affection, admiration and respect. Or as we say in sarf london... re-spec'
Cool! I'd add "honesty" to that list of desirable attitudes.
At some point in your life, you decided what felt "right" for you — and so you know that you can feel passion for a man. I'm not in that situation — my world changed completely a few weeks ago, and I don't know that — yet. Since my original attempts at light-heartedly conveying that seem to have caused offence in some quarters, I revisited the topic here — and hopefully that gives a clearer idea of where I'm coming from.
I repeat what I said — whatever you and Siobhan do (or don't) get up to — I wish you both fun, joy and happiness.
I was talking about what I feel right now rather than what I seek and indeed honesty is in there too.
The thing is though, Koan, I never did decide what felt right for me at some point in particular. What feels right for me, is whatever feels right. If I like it, then I come back to it. And I try not to analyse it too much, though inevitably I do.
I can appreciate that for you, its quite a different situation. Your identity and physicality has changed radically — and like pressing the reset button — everything needs to be figured out again.
One thing do I feel strongly about. I don't worry about whether or not I can feel passion for a man or a woman specifically. Their body is only part of it. Its more about the person and the stuff thats between their ears. Thats what really gets me. Thats what really turns me on.
First of all, let me say, I do pop in to check on your writings. And I love it despite all the geekness.
Secondly, when reading April's comment about 'whats between the ears' I have to agree wholeheartedly. Often I have had very strong feelings for someone only to be hesitant of what people thought of me. I have never pursued that avenue because of it.
I don't know you Siobhan, and I am sure you're a wonderful person. And April is ... er ... April.
So f**k the rest and have a happy time with or without each other.
Luv
Nina
I see nothing at all wrong with two TVs having a sexual relationship. I've had two long term relationships with TS women (both pre and post op) and I'd happily date another TV.
I regard myself as being bi-sexual which for me amounts to I date 'people' I like regardless of how they present.
Clare Kent
Well, whatever you want to say about it, I'm happy for the both of you and will be happy to read about whatever you want to share!
As for the Arabic OCR, I did quite an extensive search early last year for open source Linux solutions and while there was nothing in place, several of the projects were open to adding it, if someone wanted to put the work in to do so. If you want, pass my email address on to your friend and when I get back into the office on Wednesday, I can give her the list of projects we had examined. I wouldn't be surprised if a couple of them
Emily S
Don't know what happened there!!! As I was saying:
I wouldn't be surprised if a couple of them, a year on, have Arabic support.
Emily S
www.tranniefesto.co.uk as a graph
http://www.aharef.info/static/htmlgraph/
I love how you can actually see which bits are which 
If you look at it on Flickr, I've added notes to show what I mean.
Don't You Just Hate It...
self relationship tranny bisexual sexuality
...when I completely change the subject half-way through an interesting discussion by posting a random photograph, graphic or link, just for the hell of it?
But still, this isn't a discussion website, it's my little stream of conscious. And if my mind wanders off because I saw some cool thing that makes pretty pctures on the internet, then that's just what happens.
Truth is, I don't really know how I feel about the whole "Me and April" thing. Earlier, I was a tad worried that this was going to turn into a whole "Yay you two!" page — like some kind of official announcement or something, backed with public approval, whereas in actual fact I've been mentioning/hinting that April and I are lovers for quite some time now.
Tranny-couplings aren't (I may be wrong here) something that's talked about very much. It's like an unspoken aspect of our community that doesn't ever seem to get aired very much. I wouldn't go so far as to use the word "taboo", but it does seem to be a bit of a 'love that dare not speak its name'.
Like I said, I might be wrong — and several people have been emailing me recently to share experiences similar to mine. It does seem that almost everyone I know has, at some time in the past, had a relationship with another trannie — even if just briefly.
Yet it's almost certainly not one of the public faces of transvestism. I think most of the world has a hard time getting their heads around just the concept of us as a group of blokes in panties, let alone a group of blokes in panties trying to get into other blokes' panties.
Which, I find, is really odd. If you flick(r) through the comments on most of the photographs in the trannyflickr and Angelflickr group pools, they're littered with suggestively erotic sentiments and intentions and fantasies.
Based on those comments, you might expect that the entire community was basically one big Fuck Fest™ with trannies salivating on every street corner.
(Maybe it is. Who knows? Maybe I'm just not with the right crowd )
But I digress. This does nothing to explain exactly how Im feeling about things at the moment. It doesn't begin to examine just why I'm struggling with the whole concept.
Because I am.
...
Know what I was saying about changing the subject through random postings? Just there, when I was copying the urls for my Flickr groups, I spotted a picture of seriously teh mostest cute kitten in the world. OMG!
...
Sorry.
There are several reasons why I'm struggling with this. Partly it's because it's all quite new to me. True, I'm no virginial trannie — I wear white wedding dresses even though I've been *ahem* 'taken up the aisle' before in my life — but that was only once, and my experience in these things has mainly been restricted to fumbles and snogs.
Also, and I can't stress this enough, I'm in no mood to be having A Relationship™ with anyone at the moment — boy nor girl. I know it's been almost a year since Kath and I broke up, but I'm really enjoying the single life, and I'm not ready to give that up just yet.
I love that essentially, the only person I have to really worry about is myself. I'm revelling in the freedom and space that that gives me — I can do what I want, when I want, and not have to take someone else along for the ride. I can explore my own creativity and my own head, at my own pace. And it's great.
But these are things that are rather general — they'd apply regardless of gender and sexuality. There are, obviously, aspects to April and myself that are located in us being transvestites.
And the most obvious one, I guess, is "What happens when the dresses come off?"
I think I've written about this before — the strangeness of having to deal with two (visually) different people, one male, one female, contained in the same body. As much as I go on about me essentially being one whole person (and not split into male and female parts), I do identify differently to the two different visual presentations I make of myself.
It's not (again, as I've written about) a boy vs girl thing. It's a self-conscious vs carefree thing. Siobhan just happens to live mostly in the carefree part of my brain (along with horny-me and drunk-me).
Let me try and explain this rather ephemeral point through the graphic medium of tranny-wanks:
This current "OMG, I feel a bit stoopid in a dress" thing is not completely new to me. Every time I get a bit frisky in a wedding dress or a maid's outfit, there's an intent that afterwards I'm not going to get undressed. I keep thinking to myself that I'll stay exactly the way I am, wearing whatever it is that I'm wearing (usually ludicrous) long after I've, er, 'finished'.
But invariably, seconds after I'm, er, 'spent', I'm ripping off clothes and climbing back into jeans, because after the horniness and excitement has passed, I feel daft. The illusion gets shattered, and the crushing weight of self-consciousness pulls me back to reality, as if over-compensating for the fantasty that I'd been indulging in for the previous minutes.
When you translate that into sex with someone else, it all goes a bit weird. I have, obviously, had full-on-dressed-up-sex with girlfriends in the past. And those few seconds of über-guilt have always been problematic for me.
Sex with another trannie seems to multiply that guilt by a factor of two. Not only do I have the illusion of self shattered, I have the illusion of my partner shattered too.
And it's not just in sex — the mental head-flips that we must all do when thinking about how we perceive ourselves work with other people. So in actual fact, it's not a relationship between two people, it's a relationship between two-squared people.
(Heh A trannie-relationship is a relationship²)
...
Shit, is any of this making sense?
There are other little things, naturally. Distance is a problem — regardless of how much I like my own space and my little sanctuary, being quite so far from London means that I inevitably recreate things in my head and dwell too much on them. In the thick of it (so to speak) there isn't the space for this over-analysis — you just go with it I guess.
And there's personal perception as well. I've always been someone who's seen myself as eventually having children, and unless I want my life to turn into an episode of My Two Dads, that's going to have to involve an actual woman at some point.
...
Ack, I dunno. I am really confused by things at the moment. It's hard to suddenly find yourself in a position that even though you fantasised about it for years, is all completely new.
I am, I must point out before someone gets it into their head that I'm cowering in a corner wondering what the fuck I've gotten myself into, loving every minute. This whole 'Crossdressing Adventure' thing brings new delights into my life every day, and the times that April and I spend together — whether out and about, or in bed — are magical and fun.
But I'm an excessively analytical person, and in the spaces between when we're together I'm prone — as is my idiom (I love saying that BTW) — to peer underneath the covers and ask myself too many questions.
But if I didn't do that, then this weblog would be a tenth of it's size, and considerably more boring
(Emily, thanks for that. I will pass your email on if that's OK)
Get back to the mill! That's as Victorian as I get, sorry Somehow, that doesn't seem quite strict enough, but I'm not wearing corset so that's all you'll get out of me.
I have no idea what that graph means, I've looked at it on flickr and it still means nothing to me whatsoever. But, it does look good! But not as good as baby Milo!
With regards to April and yourself, Congratulations! I hope it's what you're looking for, but I'm a romantic nut!
Beki
The graph? Well, the dots all represent the tags on this page. Green ones are divs, orange ones are line-breaks (like <p> and <br />), purple ones are images, blue ones are links, the black one is the HTML root tag, and grey ones are 'other'. The applet parses my html and makes a graphical representation of it.
Which I think is rather fab There's more info here, and you should have a look at his art project too — http://www.onethousandpaintings.com/ — I was considering buying '108' myself.
Dear Siobhan.
You've pretty much summed what goes on in my head actually, and I am glad that to some extent, I am not alone in thinking along these lines.
Having done the snip and it being somewhat a disaster, I had to re-think my position with regards to any future romantic notions.
I do love women. I have been in two relationships, both which failed as I could not reconcile them with my gender dilemma. I had not even thought of ever dating men or a 'tranny' for that matter. I however had a 'curiosity' which I dismissed as part of my gender confusion. But the bottom line was, because I felt 'safer' with women, I went for them. In my mind at that time, and it admittedly was one-tracked, there was only women or men. I wasn't really fond of homosexual relationships. And boy did I ever learn a lot.
Throughout this entire gender journey, I have discovered that gender is totally irrelevant when it comes to matters of companionship and who you feel comfortable with. A fact I am more painfully aware now more than ever.
I am fairly new to the scene, having only just meeting other 'trannies'. There is one however, who my heart beats just that little bit faster, whenever I see her. And I see her at most events. So many times, I would wrestle with myself asking whether I should go and chat to her. And believe me it takes A LOT for me to get interested in anyone.
But at the back of mind, I knew she was a man. Come morning, I know she will ditch that wig, remove her breasts and go to work. She was a man. I didn't care. I used to, but now I don't. But I was worried others would. They wouldn't care that she had the cutest way of hoding a cigarette or the way her hands clutched that purse. Come morning she would be a guy. I WAS a guy. So it must be homosexual. That's what people will think.
I have to contend with this. I realise for myself, that my feelings for men and women alike are my own. I just have to get past what others might think. But who cares what they think? I have to get that thought out of my head. and its difficult.
For my part, I would say that in life, in THIS life, anyone would be pretty darn lucky to find anyone to be comfortable with. I blew that chance so many times. I just could not get past what other's might thinks. In fact I ran away from home just so that I could be myself. And to this date, none of my relatives know what I had done to my body.
In the end dear Siobhan (Now I've to check that spelling everytime!!)Don't give a s**t to what others think. Its your life. Its your happiness. Its your journey. No one else's.
Luv
Nina
BTW: I thought the pic was a stitch pattern at first.
/me runs upstairs to make the comment-background.gif bigger...
I was considering buying '108' myself
any particulr reason or do you like it as a number? I would have bought number 5 but it's already gone. It's my lucky number, though it's never been that effective! Never mind. Maybe I'll get the cube of 5 instead!
Beki
Beki
any particulr reason or do you like it as a number?
Well, it forms part of the personalised numberplate that I've always wanted...
(A terribly bad knock-up done in GraphicConvertor there, because I'm too lazy to go upstairs and use Photoshop)
Ah! i should have seen that really
Beki
Beer Can House
Yes, well, um, replace "beer cans" with "wine bottles" and you get an insight into my life — (via snopes.com)
What I find intriguing about that, is that at some point, there must have been a first can that he tossed over his shoulder. I'd like to have seen that.
Based on those comments, you might expect that the entire community was basically one big Fuck Fest™ with trannies salivating on every street corner.
I've got to admit, on my relatively few forays into what you might call the mainstream tranny community I've always found myself thinking 'how do you all not just fuck all the time?'. It probably says more about me than anyone else that when I see a bunch of people loving wearing oft-erotic clothes and defying societal sex/gender norms already, I tend to assume that they're all mutually attracted to attractive people whatever shape or form they take, but still. It's interesting to read that it happens, however rarely it's spoken about. I'd wondered.
There're often very pointed and repeated statements made about being a transvestite but still very much sexually straight on the fictionmanias of the world, which makes me wonder whether a lot of trannies, rather than allowing their defiance of gender norms as a tranny to cause them to investigate and challenge any institutionalised homophobia they might be carrying around, sort of bypass the whole question and fall into a rather indignant 'Wearing a frock doesn't make me gay! Who said it did?!' loop. Of course it doesn't, but it seems a terrible shame that so many people should be afraid of asking a question their other pursuits have led them to, lest it both shatter comfortable expectations and assumptions and potentially open doors to whole new excitements. If you know what I mean.
Not, of course, that I'm accusing you of that, Siobhan — it's just a thought and a bit of speculation your entry kicked up in my tired head. Long-time reader, first-time commenter, by the way — thanks for giving me something genuinely thought-provoking to read now and then, and curses for making this poor impressionable young drag artiste want more princess dresses than she/he can possibly afford.
This is one of your most honest and pertinent writings. You have put into words something that has been bubbling around in my head for a long time. A tranny friend in a chat room asked me last week what I would do if I was dressed and a man fancied me and wanted to sleep with me, and I said it would be fine until the illusion crumbled and we were left two men in bed — She said I shouldn't think of it like that and should go with the flow. But I am not a go with the flow type of person boy, or girl).
From talking to other girls in chat rooms (sfunny but it never comes up when talking face to face) I think the sex thing is quite a large part of it for many of us, but it isn't one of the public faces because there seem to be a lot of us for whom it is very minor or non-existant — and some people on the angels forum get quite adamant about that. I mean trannys can be from all backgrounds, all ages and have very different views about morality and sexual liberation, so in the public sphere we tend to discuss the common denominators clothes and make-up and shoes.
The post wank guilt you describe was as much a part of my teenage dressing as keeping one ear cocked for my returning parents and I know exactly what you mean. Its almost like the 'pressure' or 'drive' to dress dissolves with the sexual tension.
I have never met you or April, but the people you reveal in your blogs are people I like and I feel privileged that you in particular lay your mind out naked for us to root around in, and hopefully learn something about ourselves.
Kate Weston
Ive sensed the bond between you and April for a while now , and I think it's great. Personally for me going from a relationship with a female which was a disaster, to a relationship with a Bisexual guy that I thought was the one Id spend my life with, and losing the plot almost killing myself when he left me for a female, Im now in a relationship with another transvestite which feels comfortable and I see nothing wrong with it. I can relate to the 'not having kids thing' but for me I dont think Im stable enough to inflict 'me' on any kids.
Just enjoy each other anyway
Of course 420 and 69 are already sold. Why wouldn't they be?
Well shit, I'll jump in here and throw in transsexual too.
TV + TS? TS + TS?
One thing for sure is that it certainly reduces the "need for explaining"!
I don't know about anyone else, but trying to carry on a relationship with a female under these circumstances can sometimes be quite compilcated and lots of need for explanations to someone that may not understand. Or at least may not fully understand.
But TV + TS or TS + TS or TV + TV certainly eliminates that need.
Watch out about moving in together though ulnless you have seperate bathrooms. LOL!
P.S. Siobhan...talk to me! Am I going to get to see you in that beautiful maids outfit that you ordered? <smile>
Tabitha Sinn
Woah. Too much Interesting Thoughts™ and Stuff To Respond To™ for my hungover head to deal with having just woken up. I'll drink some coffee and try and get my head around some of these.
In the meantime ... heh, Tabitha, there's been a photo of me in one of them on Flickr for nearly two weeks now...
I'd always thought you'd "done it" with loads of trannies, but were just being discreet — shows how wrong I can be.
Uh! What a doll!
I haven't exactky, er....been paying attention the last couple weeks. Forgive me. LOL!
Thank you for posting that though. I was really looking forward to seeing you in it It looks great Siobhan
Tabitha Sinn
'Tail-end' Charlie Charlotte here (again! )
Bloody 'ell Siobhan, you've really done it now! I mean, FFS, what are you thinking of?
The applet parses my html and makes a graphical representation of it.
Just how geeky do you get!
As for the other (largely inconsequential ) stuff, I thought as much. What I don't get, considering you've already 'coughed' to being bi', is:
Why the angst?
(It did make for more interesting reading though, and I totally get the 'afterwards' bit.)
Have fun,
Alli' Cat'
Who cares what others think, what you do with your life is your business so if it makes you happy then go for it. I know nobody gives a toss what I think but Im saying it anyway. Anyway sometimes things are better if you do just vent, at least you have people who read your ''ventings''