Monday, 5th February, 2007

I Have A Theory

apple charliebrooker

"That's odd Siobhan. You're awfully quiet today. Surely there's something in the news you've got a witty retort to make about? Something in The Guardian? Something about your favourite columnist? Something about your favourite computers?"

Charlie, NOOOOOOOOOO! That's not how it's supposed to work! The deal is, you write hilariously scathing and verbose rants about things we agree with, and I in turn feel quietly smug and satisfied that the objects of both our rages are happily put in their place — and if not, then at least they're blindingly in the dark as to the wit and stupendous vitriol that you've just spooned into their blinking eyes.

You're Not Suppose To Rant About ME!™

You get to rant, I get to feel smug. That's how it's always worked, and that's how it should always be. Surely?

I mean, you have a point — a lot of the Mac users I know are blithering idiots who're more interested in polishing off the yellow-stain from the trackpad of their MacBooks and wielding them out in public on the train than they are opening up the Dreaded Blinking Text And Unfamiliarity Of The Terminal™. And you're right — most of their screens are like Fisher Price toys, having not had the gumption to press a few buttons and turn off the default My First Computer™, Pretty Pretty Colours™ that tempt them like magpies when they take it out of the box.

And maybe they are a bunch of aspirational cunts who think that they can brand their way into a personality — that by shooting their wad in the right direction they can reap the benefits of being attached to the 'cool' sect set.

But you see, here's my problem — at some point along the line, someone, somewhere had to decide that "Macs are owned by cool people" for the expanding mass of dullards to pick up on that notion. It doesn't come from something ooozed out of Steve Jobs — I mean, the man's an arse.

(Did you see how much of a fucktard he was when he rang up Starbucks and asked for "seven thousand lattes"? "Just kidding!" Dickhead. I bet she lost her job over that)

So I'm presuming (and this is my theory), that the whole premise of what you wrote today — that the consumer desire to attach themselves to something 'cool' through their sad, pathetic, money-dribbling brand-ejaculations, is driven by the inalienable and logical conclusion that some — myself included (natch) — Mac owners are effervescently, spectacularly brilliant.

And with that thought in my head, balance is restored to the Universe. I still love you and Will Have You're Babies™, and I still laugh at your puny Vaio.

Oooh. I'd forgotten he was on tonight

Is It Just Me?

michaelportilo random quip

Or does anyone else have glorious flashbacks to 1997 when they hear Michael Portillo say his middle name is "Xavier"?

I was the only one awake, and so fully deserved the entire bottle of champagne that we'd set aside for the moment

I was in stiches (as usual).

Tell you what though, I read (of course) the article, but I couldn't bring myself to read the comments — fearing the usual rabid mouth-frothing of Holy War™-based Charlie-bashing¹. Ian makes a predicition...

I actually can't wait for this one to hit the American Mac wires. There will, no doubt, be a point by point rebuttal from some humourless idiot in Iowa who uses his Mac to run a nuclear power station by the end of the day.

...and I noticed that Daring Fireball had spotted it — and while I admire Jon Gruber intensely, I can't help but wonder if Ian'll be proved right

Meanwhile, Tom makes a good point...

And while of course I love my Mac and am comfortable that its *nix underbelly is fully nerdcore and not merely design wankery, I have to admit that I agree that Mitchell and Webb are sort of the wrong way around...

But anyway, It's All Fun™

And besides, my 6am-brain is happily chugging coffee and laughing at Bill Gates.

Like I said, balance is restored to the Universe.

¹ Which is odd, considering the dream I just had about Fatwas, petrol and my Mac.

[snip]

Jees, gimme a chance

[snip]

'kin hell — is there some kind of anti-Siobhan spam attack going on today?