Hello smile

I'm Siobhan Curran/Kisa Naumova, and this is my weblog. I tend to write about stuff like crossdressing, Macs, code, cats, wine and Second Life, but in general it's just an ongoing conversation about all sorts of stuff. If you'd like to know a little bit more about what this all is, I recommend starting on this page which has a little bit of info on who I am, and what I'm trying to do — or you could dive into my five years worth of archives if you like.

Otherwise, feel free to close this box and explore...

Fraud

I had many dreams last night. I think it was because I decided to treat my braincells to a evening of non-destruction, and climbed into bed at 1am stone-cold sober.

At one point, I was stood looking across Belfast Lough, watching in disbelief as hundreds of planes took off from the airport, following beautiful parabolic arcs into the sky — and back down to the ground and sea, exploding all around me, like some kind of particle generator controlled by terrorists.

At another, I was staring up a long spit of ancient land that bore my real name, and trying to pick some food from a takeaway's menu, as K tapped me on the shoulder and reassured me that "the cheque won't bounce".

...

I woke up at 5am. And 8am. And 11am. Each time I stirred, Tish shoved his claws into my back, goading me to get up and feed him, frustrated each time that I pulled the duvet over my head and slipped back into sleep.

Except for the last time, of course. The last time I managed to haul myself out of my pit, force a coffee down my neck and trudge to the shop to get a can of KityKat.

...

More coffee in hand, I plugged my eyes into the screen, read a few emails, replied to some, made a mental note to reply to others later. I checked my news feeds (and found nothing of interest), I fired-up Transmit and did some impromptu tweaking to some CSS...

...all of the time knowing full well that there's something I really should be getting on with, but wishing I had it in hand.

...

Despite my highfalutin and pompous job-title, my confidence about my subject matter fails to live up to its own expectations. At almost every single turn, I'm reminded that there are people with so much more nounce than myself — people able to talk about things with more authority, more experience, more back-up.

The things that I think and do are almost always pre-contextualised by someone else. Every notion I have, or thing that I make, has some kind of 'pre-basis' in someone else's work.

There are things that I know, but can't put into words — words that would hold up to the rigorous scrutiny of others, at least.

And it scares me, I have to confess, the possibility that the true vacuosness of my ideas and talk might be exposed somehow. I'm very capable, truth be told, of declaring something to be "shit", but not offering up any alternatives in its place.

And it frustrates me, also, that every day, opportunities appear and taunt me with the promise of recognition. Seemingly perfect arenas to be seen and heard, and appreciated pop-up out of the blue into my various inboxes — each one screaming "This is it! Show us what you've got!"

"You wanted an opportunity to take them head-on? Well here you go! All you have to do is show us what you got!"

And what I've got, is nothing.

the cheque won't bounce

I was lying. Sorry.

Miss K

I will admit I know next to nothing about teaching art. But, I do know a bit about teaching and academia. One of the most confident sounding scientists I've ever met, with quite a reputation, was proved to be full of hyperbole when several people, including me just a little, started poking holes in his core concept.

The same can be said of a women's studies professor I met, once you penetrated her confusion of jargon, there wasn't an idea in there.

An archaeology professor with a wonderful reputation made it by disagree with everything and everyone — to the point his students had an abbreviation for it.

It's easy for me to say, but write the words, bash them a bit, shape them once they're down, then go for it... In the words of the Dr. Pepper ads, what's the worst that can happen?

Eloise

Personally, I've never let "experience" stand in the way of an opinion!

More experienced people didn't think that my network designs, for instance, would work: things weren't "done that way" for a reason. Well, the designs worked, and worked well.

In any corporate situation (and dealing with coworkers is a corporate thing, even in a school), it's dangerous to assume that because someone has authority (and/or experience) that they actually know what they're talking about. It simply means that they managed to achieve a certain position within the hierarchy. Some will know what they're about, and it'll show.

But what you have is a start. A place from which to develop. There's a common misapprehension that "you" must offer alternatives if you're denigrating something. I'm not sure how this fallacy gained currency, but it's not accurate. All you have to be able to do is articulate why something is lacking. The demand for other solutions can be seen as a neat way of preventing discussion, and ensuring the proposer "looks" clever (even if they're as thick as two short planks, end on.)

What you have is a start. A place from which to develop, not a place to arrive and never leave. Not even a way-station. Give it a little time, and instead of thinking about alternatives, think about how you would make it differently. (No, that's not quite the same thing.)

Carolyn Ann

PS Just a word, and not a criticism in any shape or form, but a word based on some hard-gained experience: it's difficult to achieve anything when you're fuzzy-headed from the night before. It took me a bit of time to realize that...

Again, this was not a criticism, and I sincerely hope you're not offended by my saying that. If you are, I do apologize.

Carolyn Ann

Well I think you have got something: a case of F.U.D. (Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt — the great paralyser). This has gripped me from time to time. Worst case: I'm at the top of a mountain, skis hanging over the edge, looking at the slope and absolutely convinced that, after a four year lay-off, I've forgotten how to do it. Time's dragging on and I'm staring at the snow, looking for my 'line', trying to place my first turn; but I'm a complete blank — I can't even remember how to turn. In the end I just thought, "Fuck it — I'm not walking down" and launched myself down the slope. My body remembered, even if my head didn't :biggrin:

Ok, so that's probably not the best analogy; but the point is: sometimes you've just got to trust yourself and give it a punt. Even if you 'crash and burn' at least you can learn from the experience.

Alli' Cat'

Thank you guys. Sorry about that — I just needed to vent that this morning. I think, if I'm honest, I just have a tendancy to feel like I'm making it all up as I go along, and someone is bound to rumble me at some point.

Of course, I probably am making it all up as I go along — but then again, (a) that's not a bad thing, and (b) we all are, aren't we? :smile:

In this particular case, I'd got myself to opportunity to make quite a bold statement about some things that I believe — right in the faces of people I think are getting it all totally wrong. I'd convinced myself that this was a 'big chance' to make a point, and that I needed to pull-off something stunning in order to do that.

But faced with that opportunity, I just couldn't think of anything stunning I could make (in the time that I had).

But then I thought, "Maybe I don't need to make anything new especially for this. Maybe I just need to document some of the things I've already done?"

So that's what I've done. And having done that, along with reading those comments, I feel a lot better.

Thanks :smile: