Hello 
I'm Siobhan Curran/Kisa Naumova, and this is my weblog. I tend to write about stuff like crossdressing, Macs, code, cats, wine and Second Life, but in general it's just an ongoing conversation about all sorts of stuff. If you'd like to know a little bit more about what this all is, I recommend starting on this page which has a little bit of info on who I am, and what I'm trying to do — or you could dive into my five years worth of archives if you like.
Otherwise, feel free to close this box and explore...
Small and Angry
I have (you might have noticed), been at a conference (of sorts) in Manchester for the past couple of days. I say "of sorts", becuase it was more of a get-together of a community, rather than something where people stand up and make speaches to auditoriums — more of a chance to discuss similar interests than to listen to presentations.
The topics up for discussion included things like "Web 2.0" and "Second Life", centred around their applications in an educational context, which — you might think — is perfect for me. Got my name written all over it, so to speak.
Yet, I'm sat here at home, a few hours after getting back to Lancaster, and I can't help but feel a sense of deflation about it all.
Hence the title — I feel "small and angry". Not (I hasten to point out) angry at people. Angry at myself.
See, I have some kind of personality trait that cripples me when it comes to talking about the things that I do when not on familiar turf. In the pages of this blog (for example) I can wax lyrical about the different bits and pieces that I do — and link to every single one of the fuckers with a great deal of pride and excitement.
When I'm outside of a familiar 'space', I find that very difficult to do.
I listen to all sorts of people talking about their intentions to research particular things — things that draw on the power of social software, user-geerated content, and virtual environments — and all the time I'm thinking "Hey, you know what? I've been doing that for ages".
But I never say it out loud.
And, as usual, I find myself skirting (ho ho) around the fringes of groups, feeling small and angry (with myself), and wondering why I find myself incapable of generating even the slightest buzz about some of the stuff I do¹
...
One of the reasons (perhaps) for some of my reticence to 'speak out' about things, is the context in which I do the majority of the Stuff™. Last time I was at a similar event, someone asked me if I had a blog...
"Um, yep"
"How long have you been blogging for?"
"A little over five years"
"Really?!"
"Yup"
"What do you blog about?"
One of these days, my militant head is going to take over me, and I'm going to extend that 'radicalness' that I delude myself about — the "hey Flickr, I'm an OK person, and I'm a transvestite" thing — into my professional life.
"Oh, you know, stuff. Like code, geekery, Macs, my cats, Second Life, photography, life in general, wine, and my love of ridiculously large dresses"²
For now though, I'm probably content with feeling small.
¹ I know, that's bollocks — I'm just a little down this evening.
² is what I wanted to say.
I think that everyone has these kind of moments in their lives
It can result from many things
being on someone else's patch (geographically and conceptually)
being too modest to push yourself and your work
not thinking and speaking fast enough to get your point in and missing the chance
not having the common "language" to put across your ideas
I know I've had them all.
Knowing we all get it doesn't make it any better, but at least your not alone
"One of these days, my militant head is going to take over me, and I'm going to extend that 'radicalness' that I delude myself about...into my professional life."
Leeds, 10th September, (Re)Actor2
Let's do it — come on, you know you want to — perfect opportunity
Simon
You know, you're the second person that has told me I should do something for that. Considering who's hosting it, I really probably should.
There's an evening session (being run by Lost Vagueness, so I hear). Should be fun:
BigDress + WorkColleagues = NoNeedForExplaination
How'd you like them maths ?
And of course there is work stuff that could be done for the day sessions. But then work is of secondary importance at these things ;o)
Simon
I find amphetamines break down self imposed barriers.
I'm not sure what is wrong with this being your stock-standard response:
"Oh, you know, stuff. Like code, geekery, Macs, my cats, Second Life, photography, life in general, wine, and my love of ridiculously large dresses"
Seems to be as open, refreshing and applicable as anyone would expect. What are they gonna do, run for the hills?
You don't want to say "I've been doing that for ages" out loud, you'd look like a tosser. But don't be afraid to talk about your work, even if people know all about they'll sit and listen and be polite.
The whole community conference thing can be pretty daunting, but with the right crowd they're great. I'm always amazed how many people haven't heard of the things I'm talking about and take lots away from it.
You spend a lot of time looking up to the experts in your favorite field who make you feel small, but most people are concentrating on other things.
As for doing it all as Siobhan, that's why I made a decision to switch to another identity. You've got a rep now though, did you see my tweet before about you me and hicks?
So is it the trannie thing that puts you off speaking up, or are you just a bit of a shrinking-violet?