Hello 
I'm Siobhan Curran/Kisa Naumova, and this is my weblog. I tend to write about stuff like crossdressing, Macs, code, cats, wine and Second Life, but in general it's just an ongoing conversation about all sorts of stuff. If you'd like to know a little bit more about what this all is, I recommend starting on this page which has a little bit of info on who I am, and what I'm trying to do — or you could dive into my five years worth of archives if you like.
Otherwise, feel free to close this box and explore...
Engendered Species
I am, it has to be said, well aware that this is not one of my 'successful' self-portrait-as-a-girl photographs¹, and that there is an overwhelming sense of 'masculinity' staring out from this image. Nevertheless, I wanted to share it.
I'm very prone to getting stuck in comfort-zones, uploading the same variation on a theme over and over again, and while I realise that this follows themes very similar to my usual pictures, I wanted to try something more challenging than I have before. Perhaps.
Usually², I'm very aggressive about pruning down the images that I upload, judging each photograph primarily on how much I look like a 'girl' in it. It's a slight reflection of the aversion I used to have at looking at myself when I was only "half-ready" — the 'obviousness' and 'ridiculousness' of me as a guy in a frock used to be something I shied away from, something not to confront at all costs.
But I think, in this, I'm quite obviously a guy — albeit a guy with long hair and make-up³. And I think I'm very much OK with that.
¹ With similar intentions as the "Let's Recap" post from earlier, I should perhaps explain link to the post where I mention my tie fetish, and how it's got a lot to do with my crossdressing.
² "Usually". I do make spectacularly bad editing decisions sometimes.
³ Dammit. Where're the New Romantics when you need them eh?
Hmm. Well, "androgynous" perhaps, but definitely on the male side of androgyny I would have said.
I wish had eyes like yours. So what if you feel that picture is more andro than femme — you do it all so well. 
The thing is though, it's kinda irrelevant for me whether or not I manage to pull off the 'looking like a woman' thing in this photo. It's a lot more personal than that.
It is, superficially at least, a "fuck you" photo. There's an intensity in my stare that (as was said elsewhere) almost defies you to read something into the picture. Regardless of how 'feminine' I look in it, it's an image that screams out that I kinda don't care what reaction it invokes — "Fuck off, I'm wearing a tie". Or something.
But underneath that, for me at least, there's an fragility about it. I've (elsewhere) likened my own feelings about it as akin to the nervousness I get just prior to going out dressed — the sense that I'm about to put an unfamiliar and potentially 'jarring' image of myself into a public domain, and the worry about how that's going to be perceived.
And I think (hope) that that fragility is evident — just behind the catchlights. Despite the "fuck you", there's also a "please?" — a desperate yearning for some kind of 'validation', a wish (perhaps) for some kind of external 'acceptance' of a solitary bedroom practice.
Charlee once asked me what the "realisation" was in this drunken twitter-post I made some time ago...
Siobhan: just had a sudden realisational-moment about what she'd want in a long-term partner
It was that what I want, is for someone to find me attractive, in the same ways that I find myself attractive.
I've been thinking a lot recently about being single — spurred on by the experiences of friends and siblings, wondering what it was about previous relationships that have left me unwilling to put myself in that kind of role. And I think a lot of it has to do with an reticence to compromise any more — as I get older, I'm less inclined to go through the 'introductory steps' within a relationship.
I'm much more inclined to stick my head above the parapet, and shout "this is me!", with the obvious caveat of complete self-insecurity regarding whether or not anyone will turn around a shout "Whoo hoo!" back, as opposed to the Great Dismissing Silence™, or the (even worse) Mass "EW!"
ermmm..."WHOO HOO!"?
There's an intensity... But underneath that...
Damn! Here's me thinking we were just supposed to decide if you looked like a bloke or not!
If you notice me waving, it's not necessarily a "Whoo hoo!" — I could be out of my depth and drowning 
Terrific Photo. Having to look completely female is as much of a burden as having to be completely male. It's not really possible to negate what we are, however hard we try.
I like what you wrote about that stage of being half complete and not wanting to be seen. That seems to be my own most vulnerable moments.
Not obviously a guy I'd say.
Not ultra-feminine, but my first reaction would be woman, on the butch side, but a woman.
I'm not sure how old you are IRL, although if I read enough of this blog I might find out. I'm old enough (IRL too, yes) to look back on going through this phase and feeling comfortable with it now. It's not necessarily an easy step to take, in fact it might be the hardest bit of growing up I'd guess. But, sometime we, most of us anyway, reach an age where the posturing is less important than being taken for who we are. We know we're like this, and although the edges might change, the core of who we are won't — people have to either like it or lump it.
Everyone does this differently — it's where a lot of my gay friends have finally come out though, for example, and... just like puberty it can feel like hell at the time, but after the event, it's pretty good for most of us. Unless we hate who we are... and you don't fall into that camp.
Good luck on the journey! And plenty of virtual hugs are available.
Male / female / whatever — you look damn good to me — its in the eyes — sultry, searching, burning — wow powerful!
Sorry, I have to disagree.