Hello 
I'm Siobhan Curran/Kisa Naumova, and this is my weblog. I tend to write about stuff like crossdressing, Macs, code, cats, wine and Second Life, but in general it's just an ongoing conversation about all sorts of stuff. If you'd like to know a little bit more about what this all is, I recommend starting on this page which has a little bit of info on who I am, and what I'm trying to do — or you could dive into my five years worth of archives if you like.
Otherwise, feel free to close this box and explore...
Dressing Up As A Girl
I did something out of character today. Actually, I did two things out of character: (1) I bought a new pair of jeans (verdict: very nice apparently, however I'm not liking this 'low-slung' back pocket thing — it feels like I'm sitting on my wallet when I'm standing up), (2) I bought a new dress.
It (number 2) was out of character for me because I didn't buy it from an online shop, I bought it from a stall, in a shopping centre, surrounded by lots of people.
But before you jump to the conclusion that I've conquered my ridiculous Fear Of Other People™, I have to confess that it was a furtive "Quick, if I give you a tenner, will you get that for me?" moment with my colleague.
But hey. It was eight quid, and it's rather cute...
Now, I'm guessing you're now thinking two things:
"Hey, didn't I see you lying on your side at that very sharp bend on the A602 earlier this evening?"
"You need a shave if you're going to pass, young lady"
The thing is, I was prompted today to think back about my general transvestic habits. I wrote about this a while back — how my normal modus (so to speak) is just pottering around the house in a dress and not trying to pass — but I thought it was worth revisiting.
There are only two types of occasion that I bother to put make-up on for: going out for a night, and a great big photo sesh. The former is probably easy to explain — as in It's The Done Thing™, and (maybe this is only me, and maybe I'm just being incredibly vain here) part of any occasion like that is all about 'being seen', and frocking yourself up as best you can.
"Making an effort", perhaps 
The latter is more of a 'performance' (for me). The photography is a 'project' (of sorts) — an attempt to create something that surpasses what I'm actually like, and make something that reflects an idealised self-image.
It's also a bit of a self-imposed challenge — in particular the Invert Tastes set. Trying to set up a situation where large mental head-fucks have to be gone through, and serious suspensions of disbelief are required.
(How successful I am in these endeavours, is continuously up for debate)
The going out is for fun. The photography is for the challenge. But neither of those two things really reflects what being a transvestite is about for me.
For me (because I know we're all different), what's most important is to be able to wear the things that I think I look cute in, and then feel comfortable about the way I look in them. I trawl through various fashion sites (natch) on a daily basis, longing after little empire dresses, and Massive Fucking Petticoats™, all the time wondering to myself whether or not I would look as adorable as I delude myself I would in them.
...
Bleh. Veering off topic.
Basically, what I would like to be able to do, is wear whatever the fuck I like — suit, dress, nightie, complete nakedness — and be able to think that shit, I look good in it. And maybe have some kind of sneaky realisation that other people think shit, he looks good in it.
See, I think sometimes we create our own set of social pressures to be one thing or another. I wonder, sometimes, whether the whole paranoia about passing that exists in our community is just a byproduct of the community itself — a peer pressure to act a particular way, and look a particular way.
Occasionally, if I go out to a tranny-do wearing jeans, I'll overhear mumbled tuttings wondering why I didn't put a skirt on. And it annoys me, frankly. This self-inflicted pressure to conform to one particular idea of 'femininity' over another — an idea (hilariously) thought up by a bunch of men.
I have been coming to the conclusion, recently, that I don't look bad just as a guy in a dress. Sure, it might not feed the wank-piles of a million grey-faced Flickr Serial-Favouriters, but I honestly don't give a shit if I'm not top of the list each time they decide to knock a quick one out.
I like me in a dress, regardless of passability. It's a very big part of the person I am, and I'm a little annoyed with myself that I didn't follow through on the promises I made to myself when I first wrote about this, and do a series of photos that explored a more 'real' me.
Because I forget where I wrote it, but I think it's almost as hard (if not harder) to take a good picture of me as a guy in a dress, as it is to take a convincing picture of me as a girl in a suit.
An anonymous coward
No, it took a team of line painters, and they had to close two lanes while it dried.
Random Inbound Googling Weirdness
On a motorway, we see signs telling us to leave two chevrons between us and the car in front. Why don't they tell us to leave one chevron and paint them twice as far apart. That'll only use half the paint.
Sorry, horrendously off-topic. Glad the move seems to be going well. Don't be a stranger.
Interesting rant.
It's not something I've sat and thought about in a great deal of detail ever but I do have an instant reaction. I reserve the right to change my mind of course!
We're used to seeing women in men's clothes — almost to the point that there's no such things as men's clothes any more. Suits, dinner jackets, maybe not every day, but you see women in them. Women in trousers was rare when I was a child, it's possible to go days (except in SL) and not see a woman in a skirt in the UK these days. So a photo of a woman in suit doesn't arouse comment. A photo of a man in a suit trying to appear to be a woman in a suit is probably harder (depending to some extent on the man's physique), because we don't look at the suit and make an assumption about gender any longer, so we actually look at the face, the figure etc.
Men in dresses however, with the notable exception of Eddie Izzard, is uncommon in public. (OK, there are places it's not uncommon, but to the general public it's still uncommon.) When we see someone in a dress we have an assumption that it's a woman. We've all seen butch women, so, unless there's something like a beard we probably assume an ugly woman if we see a man in a dress. I remember something where they took an ugly, fat bloke (I think he was in the navy) and made a drag queen of him. I specifically remember catching the end of a trailer and my first reaction being OMG that's an ugly woman, and doing it because of the clothes.
Now of course, I could get all hand-wavy about art here, but I'll leave that to the experts — but just to say I think it's understandable that you find it harder to take a picture of you as a guy in a frock, because the frock will make (most of) us assume you're an ugly woman instead, unless you force us not to.
LOL, I've turned into a rant here. Unintended.
Let's hope you can be happy and comfortable in your clothes, in your skin. Stuff the rest of the world. The people that will matter long term to you will accept and embrace what you are, whatever you are. But, is it possible for them to do that if you don't I wonder?
your site looks a bit broken in the mobile version of safari, by the way...
Ian Betteridge
Haha I was just wondering who that was
You have a Googlewhack there!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Googlewhack
An anonymous coward
Oh bollocks, no you don't — it has to be two words doesn't it?
Excuse my enthusiasm.
An anonymous coward
Helen Boyd wrote to a similar meme: http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/?p=1638 back in August.
Yeah, I'd like to wear whatever, whenever. But society being what it is — I'm not holding my breath waiting for such a nirvana to happen. I doubt it ever will, clique's being such a big thing. And not just with teenage girls.
Personally, while I find it frustrating, I've sort of arrived at the conclusion that some things are worth worrying about, and others simply aren't. Clothing ("gender expression"?) is one of those "I'll just do what I can" issues.
If I was still in New York City, I'd have a lot more leeway. But I chose to live in a rural, conservative (read: really, incredibly religious) area for the other benefits (lower taxes, no debt, peace and quiet, etc). The gender expression: well, if I ever figure out what my gender identity approximates, it might become an issue. In the meantime, I'll simply "suck it up" and stay safe. It's not worth getting worked up about.
(It reminds me of when I worked on Wall St: I had to wear a suit, tie, etc. I elected to wear good quality clothing, although I never quite saw the point in all that nonsense. But, while I was forced to wear the suit — if I wanted the salary (I did), that is — I didn't have to let it dictate whom I became while in that particular version of drag.)
I'm feeling a little inarticulate right now. So, my apologies if this comes across as a bit, well, inarticulate. 
Carolyn Ann
My latest set of photos of myself on flickr show me wearing a trouser suit (a woman's trouser suit). I can only laugh at the fact that my viewing figures have plummeted drastically! Even though these are probably my best pictures and the most true-to-life. 1000 views down to 30 just for wearing trousers!! I've had only one comment from a tranny. Yet, strangely enough, I've had a load of praise/comments from genetic women...
Eloise wrote: "When we see someone in a dress we have an assumption that it's a woman." I wonder if that is so. There is that bit of research that often gets quoted (Kessler & McKenna?) which suggests that people always assume a person is male and that it takes, on average, 4 cues, to accept someone as female. I don't know what the status of that research is — but it has the ring of truth (particularly when you consider the problems of passing encountered by transvestites and MTF transsexuals).
Not familiar with the research you're quoting Stephanie, but if you can find a reference I'd love to read it.
I'd also love to know what their cues are. It is, of course, really hard to be sure, but in full omphaloskepsis mode I'd have to say I don't think I need 4 cues — and if I only need 1, it becomes impossible to decide if I'm defaulting to male and then changing or if I don't have a default male assumption surely? I am aware that I'd quite like not to have that default sexist assumption, so I don't entirely trust my navel gazing.
Anyway, within the context of their research, I would say that "wearing a dress" gives several strong cues that you're looking at woman, at least in most of mainstream Western society. Is that fair do you think?
I've been meaning to look it up myself... when I find it I'll let you know. But no, I don't think wearing a dress is enough — that's why so many TVs and TSs are caught out so easily, it's the whole package that doesn't add up. It explains, too, why people so rarely pick up on single clues that you're TG — like wearing nail varnish when you're a man.
It's The Done Thing
This is something that has always bothered me. And I must confess that, after poking and dissecting away at it for a considerable length of time, I still haven't come up with a satisfactory answer. So, here's the thing, encapsulated in just two words: "denial" and "deception".
I want to skip the second one, there's enough been written about it already (some good, some bad, most ill-informed); but it's denial that intrigues and worries me the most (right now that is; give me a couple of hours and my opinion may change). I feel this only applies to us transvestites (sorry Stephanie; but let me just say I thought you looked good in that suit). What really concerns me is: if you get really good at the whole 'performance', to the extent that you 'pass', or are at least 'passable', are you trying to deny the fact that you are a transvestite?
I'm wondering if there is a place for 'radical' (for want of a better word) transvestites; people who leave you in no doubt that they are transvestites — deliberately. I know that, traditionally, we're akin to unicorns — shy, half-glimpsed, almost mythical creatures. Then along comes events like Sparkle, that lures bolder souls out into the daylight, and what do most trannies do: adopt 'stealth mode'. This seems, to me, a bit like saying, "I'm a girl, not a trannie — honest!" I'm wondering if leaving a deliberate and obvious 'clue' might not be a better way. Saying, loud and proud, "I'm a transvestite — get used to it!"
I've said before, half joking, that "it takes balls to be a trannie". I'm wondering just how 'big' the communities balls are?
That was all a bit badly phrased, but time moves on, and I wanted to throw it into the mix while the thread was still 'warm'; before it slips quietly off to that cold, dark place where interesting web-pages wither and die from lack of attention.
I think it has been done — well, there have been radical drag queens, at least, on the gay scene for years who have done what you're suggesting: wearing women's clothes but not hiding their maleness and shouting out proudly "I'm a drag queen, get used to it."
To quote an ex of mine, and hopefully not offend anyone, regardless of there point of view on the matter, "They're only clothes"! I wish that we could all just wear whatever the hell we like/feel comfortable in/feel that we look good in, and sod anyone else.
Nagai
That research I mentioned earlier — Gender: An Ethnomethodological Approach
Oh, and I do have the relevant chapter about gender cues from that book in another volume called The Transgender Studies Reader which I haven't got round to reading yet. I could perhaps scan it sometime...?
I can understand where you're coming from (though I'm not so hot at responding to a topic when it's actually current). However, for me some of the appeal of dressing is the desire to provoke a specific reaction from people, to have them see me as a particular sort of person, or in a particular role.
So in that sense it would be deeply disappointing for society to become accepting of crossdressing because half of the appeal is the the power that crossing the social boundaries has. If clothes didn't matter to other people, then how can you play with giving them different cues to the norm?
That's one way of looking at it Claudia, but I wouldn't worry too much, as I can't see us being "accepted" by society anytime soon!
Nagai
There's a point in your post above that I'd like to actually know a bit more about, in terms of your feeling/thoughts:
"Basically, what I would like to be able to do, is wear whatever the fuck I like — suit, dress, nightie, complete nakedness — and be able to think that shit, I look good in it. And maybe have some kind of sneaky realisation that other people think shit, he looks good in it."
Which is not so much a question about what you wear but how you perceive/conceive yourself while wearing whatever you wear. I have a difficult time articulating this concept in myself, though I often end up analyzing my way back to this point. Especially when I've accomplished the "looking good: to others part, but I'm still left wanting something more for myself.
did the chevron come free with the dress?