Hello 
I'm Siobhan Curran/Kisa Naumova, and this is my weblog. I tend to write about stuff like crossdressing, Macs, code, cats, wine and Second Life, but in general it's just an ongoing conversation about all sorts of stuff. If you'd like to know a little bit more about what this all is, I recommend starting on this page which has a little bit of info on who I am, and what I'm trying to do — or you could dive into my five years worth of archives if you like.
Otherwise, feel free to close this box and explore...
In All Honesty
Oh hi. I'm in a bad mood this morning.
Not sure what time it was when I woke up — probably about 7.00am or so. I'd had a few weird dreams in the night — something about being back at my old job (which I hated) and finding it really hard to come to terms with that, followed by an odd session in a taxi with Thau where hairstyles were involved.
(Which probably has something to do with Inventory Show And Tells™ last night in Second Life 
)
Actually, just winding the clock back a bit further, I got a bit tearful about Tish last night. Truth is, I'm not sure I'm going to see my little guy again. Regardless of all the positive and encouraging things people have been saying to me about him, there's a growing concern that something's happened — like a car or something — or that he's decided he isn't welcome here (for whatever reason), and he's either cowering under a bush somewhere, or, worse, dead.
And I'm not entirely sure why, but I don't seem to be able to emotionally relate to that. Which is the most upsetting thing of all. When Georgie died, I was distraught. When Cabbage died, I was inconsolable.
Maybe it's the 'not knowning' aspect of this, but there's an unusual emotion void in my head right now, and I don't like it at all.
Whenever I walk to the shops (which I did twice last night, forgetting to buy fags the first time) I can't help but look everywhere for a little patch of white fur in the undergrowth. I keep thinking maybe he's hiding somewhere, and he's going to come rushing out and demand food.
I called the local vet this morning, just after 9.00am, to see if anyone had brought in an injured white cat. But nope, nothing. They've taken my details and said that if someone does, they'll get in touch straight away. So I'll keep my fingers crossed, and start going round the neighbours' houses in the meantime.
...
But that wasn't the thought in my head while I was lying there, trying to get the energy to get out of bed. To be perfectly honest with you, I've got a few things that I'm fretting about at the moment — things mostly related to houses, flats, and cash.
See, I'd budgeted perfectly to be able to keep the two places going for about three or four months. I had just enough to be able to spend a bit of leisurely time going backwards and forwards, tidying up, hiring skips and vans, and generally getting the Lancaster house ready in my own time — rather than rushing the whole thing.
Which, if you know me well enough, is very-much against my nature.
But I hadn't budgeted for losing the car. And I equally hadn't budgeted for hiring a car (or getting the train) every other weekend. And I'm starting to get a little worried.
I probably shouldn't blog about financial things — I'm not sure why, it just doesn't seem like The Done Thing™ — but basically, I'm shelling out close to £700 a month at the moment keeping the Lancaster house going. That's not just the mortgage, that includes a loan I took out a long time ago to do some of the renovation work to it.
And this morning, in bed, I couldn't help but think that maybe I should just totally get rid of it.
...
There's a sense in my head right now that Things Are Very Different From Before™. I have (as you probably know, if you've been following along) been carefreely meandering around for the past two (if not more) years, living very-much the life of a single man girl, floating from payday to payday, without really contemplating what goes on in the future.
The best exampe of this, I guess, is how long I've lived in a state of 'limbo' with regards to where I work, and where I live. Everything felt 'temporary' before, and the way I was living was very much a kind of 'Heath-Robinson' approach to having a career.
But now, things (like I said) are different. I'm on the verge of going full-time (in that I've got at least ten people thinking it's a good idea, and working out what budgets that could happen from), and now that I'm living over here, and joining the commuter-run every morning¹, there actually seems to be some direction going on.
Plus, of course, I've met someone incredible — someone I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion I want to spend the rest of my life with — and all the associated "OK, so how are we going to make that work?" questions are floating around.
Ack.
...
I don't really know what to do. I kinda feel like the Lancaster house is holding me back — what with the mortgage, and the bills. And the Whopping Great Chunk Of Equity™ in it would be rather useful — both to tidy up a few loose ends, and to stick in the bank and wait to use as a deposit on somewhere new ... wherever that might be.
I mean, I like this flat, don't get me wrong. I just don't love it. I have thoughts and ideas and plans and daydreams about what might happen in the not-too-distant future, and frankly they don't really involve this one-storey shoebox².
...
Oh, I don't know. We'll see I guess.
¹ although leaving the house a lot later, so I don't end up like a sardine on the bus
² that's perhaps unfair of me — it's quite big. It just feels too small with the boxes still lying around, waiting to be unpacked. I need shelves.
I'm really sorry to read the Tish is missing. I know from experience how heart wrenching it is to have a cat go missing. I'll keep my fingers crossed that Tish returns safely to you.
And even more big hugs from Berlin!
All worries are over one day thats for shure,
but right now you are worried and thats ok, too!
Maybe you could write a song? 
Sell the house before the market drops, after all, with all this stuff going on you dont have time to be a Landlord in Lancaster as well.
You may already have done this, but it might be worth posting a flyer round your neighbours asking them to check their sheds. We did that when one of our cats disappeared, and within hours of posting the flyer, he was back.
One thing to do would be sell the house in Lancaster and quickly buy a house/flat in/near Leeds that would be very easy to sell again if you needed to/wanted to that way you're still in the housing market which is still growing faster than any interest rate you'll get in a bank. The beauty of an easy to sell is that you'll be fairly free to do what you want fairly quickly. It doesn't matter if you don't love the place, in fact that would be best as when you are ready to make the next move you'll have no pangs to hold you back.
Mmmmm. Talks much sense does Jane
Yoda. x
Re. Tish — have you considered putting cards in newsagents' windows, on supermarket noticeboards, & so on?
You never know ...
Lisa
Don't sell the house and stick the money in the bank, buy a new house — Jane's right, otherwise you'll just go and buy a new mac, dress, bottle of wine etc.
To add further weight to Jane's wise comment.
My brother was in the same position a few years ago. Sold his place and rented waiting for the market to fall. Eight years on he's still renting and has no hope of being able to buy. He's on a pretty good salary and benefits too.
If a return to Lancaster is a possibility in the future why not rent it out? As there's a University there must be letting agents.
I'll keep hoping that Tish or news turns up. I've been there as well
Nick Perry
Okey dokey! Here's my twisted twist on it..
WHAT IS KEEPING YOU HERE(insert interrobang where apt)?
Once apon a time Lancaster was a strange and unfamilier place. Once apon a time Leeds Met was a strange and unfamilier place of work. You coped. You servived. You made it this far.
A journey of a thousand miles starts with one footstep.
Sell the house, jack in the job, find a very very good home for the cats. Move state side and become the grids greatest Linden. Live happily every after with Amy.
You can still come and visit on vacation. Wave hello to your nephew via skype. Keep on blogging to makes us day dreammers happy.
Burn those belt and braces and LIVE!!!!!
Well, if I had balls bigger than average, thats what's I's do...
Hope Tish turns up, and acts in the proper "what the hell were you worried for, you don't own me!" type way that cats do! I lost my Rossi in July, he had a heart attack age 6, which is no age for a cat to leave this world.
We all have to get on with life though, and just keep dealing with what gets thrown at us.
And as for indecision/procrastination, as Lennon once said: "Time you enjoy wasting is not time wasted".
Nagai
Sending many hugs and positive vibes your way. Just remember, don't lose faith. You've made big changes before and it has all worked out for the best as will this new situation. If it is worth having, you will find a way — house, money, car, love. Just wish I could say something to help you feel better about Tish.